Perry Noble felt he’d lost everything. He’d been publicly fired from the influential megachurch he’d founded. His wife had left him, and taken their daughter with her. Friends he reached out to didn’t return his calls.
Four days after checking himself into rehab for alcohol addiction, Noble made a decision: He was going to kill himself.
“I felt like a failure, alone and betrayed” Noble recounted in a recent Facebook video. “I finally arrived at the point that I was willing to go through the uncertainty of death rather than the certainty of life. The way I saw it life would only be a reminder of how I had fallen short and failed over and over and over. So I made the decision: I was going to walk out of rehab, fly home and kill myself. I had the spot picked out, I had the gun picked out and I was going to take my own life.”
As Noble remembers what happened next, his eyes well with tears and his voice cracks. Several times he briefly pauses to compose himself.
“So I went on a walk my last night at the rehab facility the day before I’d decided to leave…and God spoke to me. And it was so clear… It was the clearest I’ve ever heard his voice and…he told me…‘I’m not finished with you yet’… And man that’s what I needed in that moment. I needed the voice of God telling me he wasn’t finished with me. It was powerful. It kept me in the game.”
Noble’s video holds little back, mentioning his disagreement over being fired from Newspring, his desire to be reunited with his wife, and rehab forcing him to realize the effect being molested as a 6-year-old had on his life. In the video, Noble alternates between processing his own grief and alluding to unresolved pain from others’ decisions. Since his firing a year ago, Noble has often discussed his journey publicly, supporting Newspring’s decision to fire him, defending his decision to step back into the ministry field as a church consultant, and describing his journey through rehab and counseling.
In Noble’s recent video he repeatedly states his reason for sharing the painful details of his darker moments: to help others who are in a similar, suicidal place know there’s hope.
“If you’re watching this God isn’t finished with you yet,” Noble said. “If God can do it for me, he can do it for you. And he will. I believe that. I absolutely believe that. [When I decided not to kill myself] my circumstances didn’t change. My feelings didn’t change. But I knew that I wasn’t alone. There might be someone watching now considering taking their own life and saying ‘I wish God would tell me he isn’t finished with me yet’ and I would say he is. He is saying that right now through this video.”
“God isn’t done with you. Over time he’ll save you from the pain you’re feeling. I absolutely believe that. If he can do it for me, he can do it for you.”
The Day I Decided Not To Kill Myself
Posted by Perry Noble on Sunday, July 9, 2017