I hate gossip. Mostly because I’ve received my own fair share of hurt and pain due to words spoken about me behind my back.
So I was surprised recently when I came across an article titled “Good Gossip: We Spread Rumors to Protect Others.”
It made me wonder, “Can gossip be used for good?”
The article goes on to explain how spreading negative information about someone’s bad behavior as a warning may help maintain social order. It shares the results of research that found, under the threat of gossip, nearly all acted more generously. In other words, we can control society through negative reinforcement.
When gossip is thought of in the context of it being used to control negative behavior, I can’t see how that could be a good thing for society. Do we really want to be on our best behavior because we’re afraid of the consequences?
Fear is not just a terrible motivator, it is a temporary one.
If we are to see permanent change in someone’s negative behavior, they need to have a heart change, not just a change in what they do when they know people are watching. And yet this scenario plays out all too often in the church.
Six years ago when I was in the middle of a divorce, the gossip was out of control. All of a sudden, everyone thought they knew exactly what happened in my marriage. My close friends called to ask me personally about what they were hearing. I was devastated. Partly because many of the rumors were untrue and partly because the people talking about it didn’t even know me.
The gossip didn’t lift me up, it shamed me.
Would things have been different if the gossip started earlier? Would we have sought counseling sooner if the gossip mill had been spinning in the beginning? Maybe. But maybe not. What I know is we needed people in our life supporting us from the inside, not judging us from the outside.
My biggest issue with gossip is it doesn’t confront the issue directly. Even with the best of intentions, gossip seeks to go behind someone’s back to expose a problem.
When I found out people were talking about me, it hurt me. It didn’t draw me to them, it made me want to hide from them. If those people had come to me in love, they could have helped identify the issues, and they could have been a part of the healing process rather than reinforcing my shame.
When we observe someone acting or thinking in a negative way, we need to confront that person in a direct and graceful way. When we gossip in hopes someone other than ourselves will be the one to confront the issue, we are not only disparaging the gossipee, but we are forfeiting our opportunity to grow in relationship with them.
Many relationships have been severely damaged because we were too afraid of confrontation.
We fear we will hurt someone’s feelings or they won’t listen to us, but totally miss the fact that being the subject of gossip is much more damaging than face-to-face confrontation. We can choose to create a culture in our lives of negative reinforcement or we can learn to confront issues head on. Confrontation isn’t always easy. Gossip always is.
What’s your experience? Have you ever seen gossip used for good?
