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4 Magic Words for Your Next Argument

Conflict seems to be as common to human life as breathing. Whether in marriages, families, friendships, the church or social settings—we have conflict. My concern is not so much how to prevent it, but how to mitigate its storm and lessen its wounding.

The Bible asks and answers a very appropriate question:

“What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask.” (James 4:1-2)

What’s Who’s the Problem?

The primary source of our conflict is within us. We crave something oftentimes from someone. When we do not get it, then we get very upset. Our passions or desires are at war within us. We are not getting what we want (usually under the headings of honor, comfort or control) so we lash out. We then try to manipulate the other person actively by doing things like yelling or even physical aggression, or we do it passively by ignoring them with the silent treatment. Whatever extreme we are on we can be sure that it is our unmet cravings of our heart that are fueling this conflict.

What makes matters worse is the fact that the person(s) we are arguing with are also sinners. They have the same heart issues and are doing the same things. What’s more, sometimes they mistreat you in the argument. This brings a sense of mistreatment that makes you feel justified in your mistreatment of them—which has the same effect on the other person. This ensures that the conversation gets locked into a veritable labyrinth of conflict.

How do you break out of this?

Say and mean four words: I may be wrong.

This step of humility has a very high success rate because it does one thing right away: It fires our prestigious lawyers.

Fire Your Defense Attorney

In most arguments, we retain the services of our own personal defense attorney. You know he is active when you keep on defending yourself (your character, your actions, your thoughts, everything). No matter what is said he yells, “OBJECTION!” You won’t even let the words settle into your ears before the defense attorney roars. This is another way of saying we don’t listen to the other person. Which, in addition to being extremely rude, is very prideful.