- The church water fountain would dispense Kool Aid.
- All worship songs would have motions.
- The adult service would have a flashing light signaling when children’s church was out so the pastor could dismiss the adults.
- Children’s Pastors would be well paid and Senior Pastors would get a cracker and juice allowance.
- Nursery duty would be mandatory for all choir members.
- Ushers would pass out animal crackers.
- Puppets would staff the church welcome center.
- People being baptized would be allowed to splash.
- Greeters would wear full body costumes and do balloon sculpting.
- Every Sunday you could poke your head into the adult service and bark out, “Keep it quiet!” and they would obey.
- Church staff meetings would be held at Chuck E. Cheese.
- It would be considered harmless fun to wear cowboy gear and blast holes into the church grand piano while yelling “yee haw.”
- Adults would raise their hands during the sermon and ask the Senior Pastor for permission to go to the bathroom.
- Church boards could only say one phrase: “Go ahead, we don’t care how much it costs.”
- The Senior Pastor would get permission from the Children’s Pastor before adding any new worship services or scheduling any special events.
- The church tithes would go to the children’s department first. Any money left over would be dispensed in small increments to the general fund.
- When people got saved in the adult service the Senior Pastor would fire off a confetti cannon.
- The adult service would have to use the sound system with the high-pitched hum.
- Children’s workers that didn’t show up would be fined. At the end of the year you could use the money to go to the Bahamas while they ran VBS for you.
