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I Don’t Expect You to Understand Why I Parent the Way I Do

2. “We have boundaries in place to help him bond with us, not because we’re mean.” We’ve learned that children from trauma do not respond to unclear boundaries, or lack of boundaries, the same way other children do (really though, no child does!). I bring this up because, in my child’s mind, he believes he is right and I am wrong, all…the…time. Not only that, he can be extremely manipulative. This is a result of the disconnect in his brain. If he can get you to believe that I just didn’t want to give him gloves and hat for the freezing temperatures, he wins, and quite frankly, you lose. He doesn’t mean to do this. He’s speaking from a place of fear that he doesn’t even understand. He isn’t thinking logically and, although I reassure him and show him that moms and dads always take care of their children and are there for them, he reaches for something else. Many times, it’s a stranger or a person (like a coach or teacher) that he barely knows. We maintain strong boundaries because we’re trying to build a healthy bond with him. And the only way he’ll learn how to live, in-spite of his trauma, is through the structure I keep in place. Within his mind there is deep fear that even he does not understand. When things are left hanging or undefined it can cause him great anxiety. He’s also afraid that we’re going to leave him, even though we’ve been his parents for 13 years. This usually manifests itself through impulsive choices, and sometimes outbursts. I stick to a strict schedule with him to help alleviate this. Bedtime is always the same. So is wake up time, when we eat meals, when we watch TV, how long we watch it, where we place our shoes and backpacks after school, and more. We also must be the primary people who feed him, clothe him and guide him. We are routined and structured with all of this, every single day, even on the weekends. Without it, my child can’t function.

3. “I have to keep going even though I’m extremely exhausted.” Parents of normal children, with normal brains, who pull normal child-like stunts, often fail to understand that we have to be vigilant around the clock. We have to read labels for ingredients you never give a second thought to. We have to ask questions at doctor’s appointments that most parents never have to ask. We have to mentally and physically prepare for something as simple as a trip to the grocery store. Back to routine for a second…we have to make sure our child is following the same routine day after day after day. It can take the life out of us. While normal children can go off-routine during vacation or the weekend, mine cannot. The consequences of this could take days or weeks to undo. I don’t expect you to understand the way I parent my special-needs son, but I am asking for respect and a little less judgement. Until you walk in the shoes of a parent with a child who has special needs like mine, you will never understand the reasons why we do the things we do, and say the things we say.

4. “I really am trying to build a connection with him.” Fact is, this is hard to do, but I keep working on it anyway. We haven’t bonded the same way traditional families have. It has been an uphill climb of trust-building, being pushed away, pursuing him anyway, and then being brushed aside in favor of other adults who misunderstand the big picture and try to fix things. You can understand why I am quick to ignore you and focus on my child. I focus on connection before correction with him always, but I rely on a strong connection to funnel into correction. That may become lost in translation to you, but that’s also because you don’t walk in my shoes day in and day out.

It’s What Moms and Dads Do.

In case you’re wondering, I gave him his knit cap and gloves. After a few minutes of watching him shiver and glare at me, and hearing the judgment from other not-so-well meaning parents, I walked over to the sideline where he stood, placed my hand on his shoulder, reminded him that moms and dads always take care of their children. Then I hugged him and handed his cap and gloves to him…which he left on the field after the game and lost forever…but that’s another story :-).

Question: Are you raising a child with special needs? Perhaps you’re an adoptive mom or dad who has gone through the same thing. Share your story with us.