This post originally appeared on Jody’s blog for parents: www.cultivating-kids.com. You can subscribe to the blog via email from the site.
A Smart Phone for Parents
In my hand I hold a device which could potentially revolutionize parenting. It is a smart phone for parents, complete with its own GPS.
It’s called the Genius Parenting System, and it is guaranteed to take the worry and wondering out of parenting. With just a touch of your finger, you will know exactly what to do.
First let me share with you a few thoughts about parenting the ‘old-fashioned way’, and then we will check into our apps for this new GPS. Ready?
What Makes a Good Parent?
You may have heard by now that parenting is the most difficult thing you will ever do. Ironic, isn’t it, that you aren’t properly trained for the most important task of a lifetime?
In preparing to write this blog, I began to list all the key components that comprise good parenting. The list got ridiculously long. Since this was to be a blog, and not a dissertation, I decided to put them into categories for pro-active and positive parenting. (And also just because I like categories!)
The problem then became that it made parenting sound too formulistic. So finally, I ended up with the Four Pillars for Parenting. These four pillars provide the foundation for solid parenting that is strong enough to withstand years of difficult challenges.
Pillar 1: Discipline
No, pillar one is not relationship. Everyone always wants to start with the warm and fuzzy aspects of parenting: holding the baby for the first time, teaching valuable life lessons that our children are so thankful for, and seeing them grow up to become happy, well-rounded adults – all thanks to us, no doubt.
But ask any woman where parenting begins. Ask her if it’s easy. Go on, I dare you!
No takers? I’m not surprised. Because parenting is difficult. That’s why the first pillar is not love or relationships, even though those are the foundation for good parenting. Instead we must begin with discipline, because without it, you may end up not feeling too many warm, fuzzy feelings about those formerly precious little ones of yours once they are hitting each other, spreading peanut butter on your walls, and talking back to you with sass you didn’t even know they had!
I have written three books on discipline, so I know there is no easy way to summarize everything that needs to be said about discipline here. I promise lots of helpful tips and insights into discipline in future blogs.
For now, let’s turn to the master of short, succinct information: Twitter!
If I had to provide seven tweets for my core convictions concerning discipline, I would say it comes down to these:
- Always lead with your presence. You are the parent, the ‘pack leader’ – so act like it. Believe in yourself. Always choose to respond from your parent role, and not react in anger.
- Boundaries provide the structure, which in turn, give a child the security from which to launch into becoming their own person.
- Cultivate respect through teaching manners. Expect to be treated with respect and treat your child with respect.
- Discipline to the design of your child. (In fact, I have a free eBook on that very topic – just sign up for my newsletter on my website)
- Detach yourself from the deed, but never your child. Again, always choose to respondand not react. When you react, you ‘lose’ your parental power.
- Encourage your child daily – and know that it is different from praise.
- Focus on what is important, which is training your child to be the person you want to see for the future and who they are as a unique individual.
Hmmm, those are pretty good Tweets! Maybe I’ll use them. That reminds me, you can follow me on Twitter!
Pillar Two: Training
Tomorrow morning we are going to run a 5 mile marathon. Are you ready?
What, many of you gasp, I’m not prepared! You’re right! Most of are not, because we haven’t been training. Yes, it’s the day-in-and-day-out of training that makes us strong and prepares us for the long-haul.
- As parents, we physically train our children’s bodies with healthy food, exercise, and proper rest.
- Emotionally, we train them in character development, manners, social skills, and seek to be sure their hearts are right.
- Mentally, we train their brains through education and prepare them for a world that is changing at whirl-wind speed.
- The over-arching umbrella is their spiritual development, which permeates all that we do. Our spiritual training includes time in prayer with them, reading the Bible, and taking them to church. But most important, it is our attitude. As always, children learn most from who we are. Are you the person you want your children to grow up to be?
Pillar Three: Unique Design
To me, this is the least-appreciated, most-often-forgotten of the four pillars. No child is identical to another, no one type is ‘right’ or ‘best’, and each child is a gift to be unwrapped and cherished as a treasure to be loved every single day.
Does this mean we enjoy every second as a parent? Realistically, no. But we always love them and appreciate who they are, and they need to hear this from us every day in a multitude of different ways. Especially our children who are not be exactly like us. They pose the greatest challenge – but offer the greatest rewards as that relationship deepens through experience and understanding.
Who knows, maybe that child you are so convinced is made in your ‘spittin’ image’ is more different from you than you supposed, too. You’ll never know or be able to appreciate it until you embrace the unique makeup of each of your children.
Pillar Four: Relationships
I know what you’re thinking. Finally we get to relationships! I was beginning to think this woman has no idea what she’s talking about.
Your instinct is right: relationships are the most important of the four pillars. Values such as compassion, tenderness, acceptance, and unconditional love cannot be replaced by anything else.
But relationships are not enough. They are not the whole picture. Where so many parents go wrong is their naïve assumption that “all they need is love”. Too much time listening to the Beatles, I suppose. (Which I never thought was possible as teenager!)
Relationships are like water, the source for sustenance that cannot be substituted and means death in its absence. But wouldn’t you also want some veggies, fruit, and pizza in that diet (and cake, of course)?
Water goes best with the others, just as appreciating the uniqueness of your child, training them in the ways of life, and disciplining with tough love actually demonstrate that you love and care for them. Without the other pillars, relationship never becomes as powerful as it can be.
The problem is that often people have too simplistic an idea about what it means to have a relationship with another human being.
Our world is going the route of electronic communication. Our children roll their eyes when we tell them there was, in fact, a B.C. (Before Computers) world in which people actually talked with one another rather than to their electronic counterparts.
As parents, we must commit to finding more ways to connect and communicate directly with our children. Yes, this may mean going out of our way to carve out time, truly communicate with focused attention (which means setting our electronic tools aside for awhile – breathe, I know you can do it!), and truly hear with our hearts.
It is all about relationships, and those take time. And yes, I know that is a commodity that is especially hard to find in your busy schedule, but let’s put it to the top of the priority list. As a busy working mom, I struggled with that one as well. In my book Cherishing and Challenging Your Children I share about how I gave “gifts of time” to each of my children, and it transformed my parenting.
Your Long-Awaited GPS
And now, here comes the good news! You may now have your Smart Phone for Parenting complete with apps that you can program for the needs of your child and family. To name a few:
FAVS LIST: Did you like something you read here or on your other favorite parenting blog? Now you can program it into your ‘Favorite Parenting Tips’ list, accessible wherever you go.
GENIUS SERVICE: Want your child to be a genius, have zero learning problems, and earn a full ride to Harvard? Well, here is your app. Just push the button and presto, you have a genius!
CALL HISTORY: Ever forget what you ‘promised’ your child or said, “How many times I have I told you?” (Both are parenting practices you may want to consider putting in the trash bin, by the way.) Well, here is your ‘Call History’ so you will know exactly how many times!
CONTACTS: You may already have this…the people you need to contact in case of parenting emergencies. Doctor, dentist, babysitter, poison control, grandma and grandpa, friends, anyone to take the kids off your hands for just one lousy hour! Only this app dials for you as soon as there is a need.
DISCIPLINE TIPS: Here’s a new app, specially designed just for you and your child. When you begin to react rather than respond, it beeps at you and texts you a calmer, more rational alternative to yelling or strangling.
WISDOM: Tired of your child making bad decisions that only hurt their life? Well, here’s the app solution for you! Download this one onto their phone so they can say “No” to bad influences.
TIME CREATOR: Running out of hours during the day? Not anymore! With the ‘Time App’, you can add extra hours to your day to spend more time with your kids, finish their science project, and finally exercise and lose that baby fat!
Okay okay, that was fun, but I think you get the idea: There are no easy answers.
I repeat: THERE ARE NO EASY ANSWERS!
But we can offer you a place to get the best answers. And, no, it isn’t one of my books. (Wish it was because then I could retire.)
GPS: Latest Model
The latest and greatest version of the GPS is the God’s Parenting Service. Actually, it’s always been around. It’s available 24/7 and the batteries never run low. You want parenting wisdom? The ‘Bible App’ says in James chapter 1, verse 5 “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”
My best advice is to be using your GPS. Meanwhile, I will be providing you with this parenting blog called “Cultivating Kids” as we partner together to grow our kids.
