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The Best Kept Secret to Effective Discipline

This post originally appeared on www.cultivating-kids.com, Jody’s new parenting blog. You can subscribe to the parenting posts by email by visiting the website.

No parent likes to discipline. And no child likes being disciplined.

That is the starting point for understanding – and eventually mastering – discipline.

To borrow and modify a line from Scott Peck: Discipline is hard. Begin there, and you will be on your way to becoming better at it.

Ignore it, and your child will rule.

Like Cesar Millan says, someone will be the pack leader. If the adult/human won’t assume control, even the smallest Chihuahua will take charge.

On the other end of the spectrum, ruling with too hard an iron fist does nothing but produce fear on behalf of those being lorded over by the master of the house. Again, not the ideal scenario.

Begin with acknowledging that discipline is hard work. Doing this will keep you from the extremes of being too lax and being an unlovable tyrant.

But something else it still needed.

Detachment is the Secret

So, what is this big ‘secret’?

The secret ingredient every parent leaves out of their discipline recipe is: detachment.

Why do parents not think of it? Because it seems contrary to what we think of as being a loving, caring parent. We put it in the category of a cool, aloof, uncaring parent; who wants to be one of those?

And even those who do know about the wisdom of detachment too often forget it. Why is this? And why don’t more parents use it?

What Exactly Is Detachment?

First, let’s learn about what detachment is and is not. It simply means that we detach ourselves from the ‘junky behavior’ that our kids are so gifted at expressing at times.

Detachment does not mean that we disengage from our children. Our unconditional love, focus, engagement, and attention remain constants.

Detachment is like a little ‘off’ switch that we turn off when we don’t want to react to our child’s antics. Likewise, it is a role we take on which says, “I choose to be in control. I choose to remain calm. I choose to not let you get the best of me. I choose to not let you ‘get my goat’ because only I know where my goat is.”

Pretend that you are trying to win an Academy Award as Parent of the Year. All cameras are focused on you. Instead of reacting in anger, you choose to respond with a calm presence.

In a nutshell:

You are never detached from your child, but you are detached from what your child is doing at the time.

See the difference? If you can, you will discover the tremendous power in disciplining with detachment.

Detachment in Practice

Your child is frantically trying to punch all your buttons. However, you have chosen to turn them all off with your detachment because you choose to calmly be the leader of the pack, to be the parent, to be in control of the situation. You do it with your body language, by not yelling, by not letting your child ‘get your goat’.

Let’s practice. You’re at the mall with your 5 year old child who has to have “that toy” and NOW or DIE! You say “No.” Your sweet, charming child throws himself to the ground, kicks the cart, and is ready to kick you. Inwardly, you want to grab your child, spank him, threaten to ground him until he is 20, and never take him shopping with you again.

But, instead of reasoning, bribing, yelling, spanking, or threatening with anger, rage, frustration, and embarrassment written all over your face, you remember that the cameras are rolling.

You detach. You smile. You say, “I can see that you want this toy very badly, but I said, ‘No’. If I were you, I would obey or we will go to the car.” And you look away. You ignore your child.

Oh, yeah. That is a tough one. Because you are probably completely hurried, hassled, and now harried. You don’t want to take time to go to the car. You don’t want to be embarrassed if your child begins to scream, kicks the cart…or you.

But if you can win on the first battle with this one, there rarely is a second scene. It is worth the investment of time.

If your child chooses to pitch a fit, calmly ask the clerk if you can park your cart and return (they will probably applaud you!) later because you have “some business to take care of”. You calmly escort your screaming, kicking, monster…I mean child…to the car and deal with it there.

It’s Hard Not to Take It Personally

Detachment is difficult because it is our child. Of course other factors contribute, such as being tired, stress from a hard day, chaos at home, personalities involved, and any number of combinations of these and others.

But what makes it so difficult is that this child is ours, and we want them to be good. It embarrasses us if they disobey. Or act up in public. Or, heaven forbid, expose one of our flaws.

Detachment is what is needed.

Remember, when I say detachment, I mean remaining detached from the deed, not from the child. We love our children. We are detached from their disobedience.

Not only does remaining detached keep from adding fuel to the fire, but it communicates love, patience, and command – all without having to yell or cave in.

Everyone Wins

For the parent who struggles with being a pushover, a calm detachment projects a sense of control and power. It shows who is boss but without having to pretend to be a super tough guy/gal. It just is. The message sent to the child is, ‘I am in control. I am the parent. I am not rattled by this behavior.’ It is not a call to war but an indication that there isn’t even a war to begin with because the parent is in charge and has already won.

For the parent who struggles with being a dictator, detachment is way to project power without resorting to being a bully. Again, it communicates love and patience all while remaining in control. It is not an abdication of power but an assertion of it, an exercise that demonstrates clearly the proper roles played by parent and child.

Discipline is never easy. But detachment goes a long, long way in helping. It is not the only factor in discipline, as we will cover in future posts, but it is like salt in cooking – that ingredient that cannot be left out of any discipline recipe. Regardless of your ‘talent’ as a parent, just as even the best chef uses special seasoning, you need detachment. We will return to this idea in the future, too.

The Brain of a Teen

In the book I updated with June Hunt, Bonding with Your Teen through Boundaries, there are over 40 different examples of issues that come up. We show you how to handle them in a calm, detached manner where you bond with boundaries. Oh, and I added a chapter about the brain of a teen. It will show you why it is even more imperative to stay detached with your teen…or risk entering World War III.