4.) Be the helpmate you vowed to be.
Be careful about how you respond to your spouse. The first time I discovered pornography, I immediately forgave my husband and thought, OK we’ve moved past this. It’s not in the dark anymore. I’m good with him. He was very repentant. Life was moving on.
I was wrong. What I failed to do was walk with my husband through the healing process. When he confessed to having fallen back into the trap, I thought my life and our marriage was crumbling.
If your spouse is addicted to pornography, they will not be able to quit cold turkey.
Just like all other things in life, external actions can’t be removed without internal replacements. Your spouse needs help discovering the void leading to this addiction.
In being a helpmate, be willing to take extreme measures to help your spouse overcome this addiction. For our family, that meant me locking all the electronic devices in a safe deposit box, paying for an accountability service on our phones and computers, and going to counseling with my husband. It may mean something different for your family, but be willing to be supportive.
Nagging your spouse is not the definition of being a helpmate.
Disclaimer: I don’t believe that being a helpmate is being a nagging wife. Proverbs 27:15 says, “A continual dripping on a rainy day and a nagging wife are alike.”
Remember that through marriage, you are fulfilling a vow to God to work TOGETHER while on this earth for the good of the kingdom. Don’t get caught up trying to change your spouse for your benefit. The road to your spouse’s freedom will look a lot different if you see it through the lens of Jesus.
5.) Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.
Forgiveness is hard. It’s especially hard when you’re hurting and when someone has offended you in such a personal way. It’s hard when Satan is telling you it’s OK to hate your spouse.
Satan will fill your head with lies giving you a million reasons your spouse doesn’t deserve forgiveness. Don’t listen. There is so much freedom in forgiveness. You can’t control your spouse’s actions. You CAN control your heart. You can make the choice to forgive.
When (yes, it’ll probably happen) your spouse slips and falls, make the choice to stand ready to forgive and help them move forward. If you ask any spouse struggling with pornography, I bet they would tell you they are more likely to be honest in the future if you choose forgiveness and support over anger and separation.
6.) Don’t let your spouse’s addiction consume you.
Through hearing from different women, I realized some women don’t want to move on.
Some want to make sure their husbands feel the hurt they have felt by constantly reminding them of the pain. Some want to believe it is OK to dwell on the negative emotions they feel. Some want to tell everyone how awful their spouse is (including their spouse). Some want to read every book/article/blog they can get their hands on because it’s easier not to forgive if you continue to relive the pain.
I hope those statements aren’t read as insensitive. Trust me, I understand the hurt. I have dealt with the pain. It’s undeniably there. But you cannot let your spouse’s addiction consume you with lies from the enemy. Feelings of anger, frustration and hopelessness are understandable. When you choose to dwell on these emotions, Satan wins.
The less you dwell on your spouse’s addiction, the less power it has over you. The more time you spend noticing things you are thankful for in your spouse, the more joy you will find.
The less you dwell on your spouse’s addiction, the less power it has on you.
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I write all of these things from my experiences. Everyone’s situation is different. My husband was immediately repentant and felt he was in bondage due to this hidden addiction. He wanted to be healed. Many of you do not have that. I can only speak from where I walked, but I can pray for each of you!
God is SO FAITHFUL! Don’t give up! I remember many moments of hopelessness, thinking we would never overcome this. Years removed, I can look back and see the ways God used something so painful to restore our marriage to something beautiful to reflect His faithfulness.
The journey won’t be easy. Find someone you trust to help you walk this journey. You’d be surprised how many others are traveling on the same road. Talk with God continuously. His faithfulness stands the test of time. He will walk with you through the most painful of times and show you hope when your eyes can’t see the light.
