So years ago, I made a rule. When you feel an emotional reaction to criticism, don’t respond for 24 hours.
That’s easy in the case of an email, a text or written complaint. Just sleep on it. But even when there’s a verbal exchange, just bite your tongue. Thank them. Say little or nothing. Don’t respond.
After 24 hours elapses, something amazing usually happens. You get your brain back.
A day later, you can respond reasonably and rationally to something that you once could only respond to emotionally.
You’ve slept on it. Hopefully, you’ve prayed about it. And maybe you’ve even talked to a few wise friends about how to respond with grace and integrity.
You’ve lost nothing.
And you’ve gained so much.
So wait. Just wait.
2. ASK YOURSELF: IS THERE ANY TRUTH IN THIS?
During those 24 hours, you can start asking sensible questions, the chief of which is “Is there any truth in this?”
Sometimes there’s not. But often there is.
If you’re not sure, ask a friend or colleague. They may see what your critic sees.
Even if there’s just a nugget of truth, that nugget can help you grow into a better person and better leader. I had a situation recently where someone criticized some talks I gave. At first, I was completely defensive. Fortunately, I said nothing and didn’t respond. But the next day, after a good night’s sleep and some prayer, I realized they might be right about something. So I gave them that.
Other people loved the talks, but that doesn’t mean that his experience wasn’t valid. And when I looked in my heart on a good day, I saw something that the critic likely picked up on.
It made me a better leader because I became aware of something that would have been so easy to dismiss and blow off.
Self-awareness is the key to emotional intelligence, and our critics help us become more self-aware.
Even if there’s zero truth in what the critic is saying, at least you searched. And by asking, you lost nothing.
And…there’s usually truth in what a critic is saying. But often it takes time to see it. So give yourself time.
3. OWN WHAT YOU CAN
Own whatever part of the issue you can. Even if they’re only 1 percent right. And resist the temptation to look to your fans to make you feel better. How to handle your critics? If someone was offended by what you said, try to understand why. Own that piece, even if their reaction to what you did was a terrible overreaction.
Great leaders assume responsibility. Weak leaders blame.
So, become a great leader, especially when it comes to criticism.
4. REPLY RELATIONALLY
Just because they shot off an email in the dark of night doesn’t mean you should.
Nor should you send out a passive-aggressive social post. That’s the last thing the Internet or the world needs.
I learned this strategy from Andy Stanley and have followed it ever since.
Reply in a way that’s more relationally connected than how they initiated things with you.
Examples:
- If they emailed you, call them. You’ll not only shock them, but you’ll quickly diffuse the situation. People are bolder on email than they ever are in a conversation. Nothing good regarding conflict ever happens on email.
- If they stopped you in the hall and blasted you, take them out for coffee. Call them and tell them you would like to learn from them and address the issue in person.
- If they got mad at a meeting, go for lunch after.
Nine times out of 10, you will take the air out of the conflict balloon. And if they’re healthy, and you own whatever you can, you’ll be surprised at how it resolves the situation.
