Please note: The essays and poems posted for the rest of 2010 will be some of my personal favorites from FlowerDust.net. New essays and poems will begin in January 2011. I hope you enjoy the “best of” my five years of blogging.
(Originally Written December 15, 2009)
Over the course of the four years I’ve been blogging, one of the topics that emerges is depression and anxiety – both of which I’ve dealt with from time to time for the last fifteen years.
At first, they weren’t easy to talk about. And especially to bring up the use of medicine, well, many “religious” people don’t like that idea very much.
Shouldn’t God be enough to heal you?
Don’t you have enough faith?
What do you have to be depressed about?
Those are a few of the messages that I’ve received on occasion.
As I’ve continued to seek treatment for my depression, I actually learned I might not have it.
Say what?
You see, I’ve tried every class of antidepressants and one thing is true to them all.
They make my depression worse.
A few months ago, I was having dinner with a psychologist/priest/friend about this dilemma. The moment I told him that antidepressants just make me worse, he replied,
“Well, that’s because you’re probably exhibiting a form of bipolar II.”
I won’t lie. My heart sunk.
Even though it’s not totally accepted, the stigma of depression and anxiety has become less and less over the last five years, thanks to people speaking out and sharing the honest truth about the diseases.
But bipolar?
To me – that means strap me in a white jacket with buckles and throw me in a psych ward. After hearing my friend’s informal diagnosis, I retreated back to my hotel room in denial.
There’s no WAY I could talk about this.
My friend shared his words with me over dinner in October 2009, and I’ve researched the type of bipolar he thinks I may have. I can’t deny it – the symptoms, cycling, everything is spot on. And one of the most defining characteristics of this particular class is that – lo and behold – antidepressants make the depression worse.
I went to my doctor who drilled me on how I was feeling (eh), how I was sleeping (terribly) and instead of trying a new sleep medicine, went back to his original treatment of treating the underlying problem (depression). I explained to him what my psychologist friend said, and he thoughtfully agreed.
I understand that doctors can be drug-happy sometimes, but I do trust my doctor. He prescribed me a new medication, which is typically a migraine preventative medicine. There have been several studies though that in lower doses, it actually is a really good mood stabilizer and has fewer side effects than others.
(The side effects it does have are hilarious – it can literally make me – for lack of a better term, stupid – while I’m taking it. As in, forgetting words kind of stupid. Words like “pizza” and “cat” and “computer.”)
And today, Tuesday, December 15, 2009, I’m starting treatment.
(Deep breath)…
I’m starting treatment for Bipolar II.
Straight jackets and psych…wait-what’s-that-word?…oh, psych wards aside, I hope it goes well.
UPDATE: November 2010 – I’ll be writing more essays on the treatment of my mental health in early 2011. It has been quite an eventful year.
