7. Find a way to tie the Easter message into a soliloquy on the Iraq War, and make it clear that everyone who disagrees with the pastor’s position is on the devil’s side.
8. During the service, ask all the visitors to stand and then introduce themselves to the entire congregation.
9. Announce that next week the pastor will begin a 12-week series on hell.
10. Put a sign up in the children’s ministry area that indicates you have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy when it comes to volunteers with criminal records.
11. Just assume that Easter guests what communion is all about. Then when people start coming forward to receive communion, have the ushers quietly walk up to the “really big sinners” and ask them to return to their seats.
12. Announce that visitors must fill out a form with their contact information and should expect an elder-evangelist tag team waiting in their driveway when they get home.
Of course, if you actually care about Easter guests and irregular church attendees because you believe they matter to God, you might consider doing just the opposite.
