This specific sort of suffering is called “betrayal trauma.” When spouses or partners use porn, it feels like a profound betrayal of trust.
The emotional damage from a partner’s regular porn use is more severe and long-lasting for women. Just under half of women who had a partner who regularly watched porn (46%) feel they’ve fully recovered, compared to 59% of men in the same situation.
I struggled for years to trust my husband again. It hurt my marriage deeply. It takes direct, intentional work from both spouses to overcome this and heal.
That’s why ministering to those suffering from compulsive sexual behavior needs to address women’s affliction directly—both sides of it. Healing ministries for men and women affected by sexual brokenness can’t be male-oriented.
Pastors and Christian leaders who hope to confront and address porn use will need to consider not only the porn user but also the betrayed partner and other broken relationships, as well. That’s because porn use is a people problem, a relationship problem, not a “male” problem.
What’s more, the odds are good that women sitting right next to you, in your church, need help. But thank God they’re at church!
The Church is the hope for the world. The battle for sexual integrity and healing can and must be won within our churches, and through our Christian communities. Every church—every relationship you form at church—can become a healing space, a place where those who are struggling can finally rest and begin to let go of their shame.
True change cannot happen in isolation. These healing relationships are indispensable. People struggling with or healing from compulsive sexual behavior rely absolutely on a trusting, transparent, insightful and supportive community to help them heal.
We can be that community for them. We can start building it today.
So take a step forward, on behalf of everyone—man or woman—suffering in silence. Take a step towards building the safety net I wish I’d known how to find all those years ago. Help build a ministry in your church that is biblically-based and rich with trusting, reliable, authentic relationships.
Together, we can help God bring healing and restoration to men, women and families who might still be too afraid or ashamed to reach out and ask for the help they need. I know it’s possible, and because it’s possible, I know it’s imperative.
It’s never too late to choose hope, or to make hope possible for others.
