Going Through a Tough Breakup With Your Church

EDITOR’S NOTE: In this humorous piece, comedian John Crist shares how difficult it can be to find a new church. We invite you to share your experiences in finding a church in the comment section below.

I was walking into church the other day and saw a girl pulling into the expectant mothers parking spot.

I looked at her and said, “Um, I gotta be honest ma’am, you don’t look that pregnant.”

She said, “I’m not. I’m not even married. I’m just believing in God for a husband and a family one day.”

Oh. This must be one of those “Name it and Claim it” churches.

I’m out.

See, this is what happens when you get desperate and just start randomly Googling churches on Saturday night.

Full disclosure: I was committed to a lovely church in Colorado Springs for six years until I moved to Denver and we just couldn’t do the distance anymore (it was mutual). Not gonna lie, I was on the rebound.

You know how Christian girls keep a list of non-negotiable qualities their future husband must have?

I figured I’d come up with a similar list for my next church relationship.

Here’s mine.

  • Worship Jesus.
  • Preach from the Bible.
  • No flag ladies.

To me, everything else is up for debate. But I was just coming out of a long-term relationship with a church that I loved, some irrational decisions were bound to be made. I was on the rebound for six weeks, here’s what happened.

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John Crist is an award-winning standup comedian from Denver, Colorado. He just got back from a comedy tour for the troops in Kuwait and is currently on tour across the country. For tour dates and standup videos visit www.johncristcomedy.com or find him on Twitter @johnbcrist.

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