Questions to ask after adultery.
Pastor Phil Smidt leads our marriage ministry at Mars Hill Church Ballard.
He has developed the following outline for our pastors to use as a guide when counseling couples dealing with adultery. The Biblical Counseling Coalition provides a similar list as well.
1. Ask, “What happened?”
Get specifics about the adultery, as the details will matter in how you walk with the couple toward forgiveness and restoration. Find out the following:
Was it an ongoing, secretive affair or a one-night stand? This matters a great deal. With a secret, long-lasting relationship, there will be an emotional entanglement and an ongoing pattern of lying that will need to be addressed. The offender will have “feelings” for the person he or she has been with and usually for their spouse too, regardless of how irrational that seems. There are many reasons why a one-night stand may have occurred that will be sinful, but there will not be the emotional entanglement and relationship that needs to end.
Was it with the same sex or opposite sex? You cannot assume to know the answer to this question. If it was with the same sex, that does not make it any more sinful than if the adultery would have been with the opposite sex. But there will be different implications if the couple moves toward reconciliation, as the same sex attraction will need to be addressed.
Was it illegal? Did it involve under-age sex, prostitution or any other form of illegal sexual activity?
Was the adultery emotional or physical? Never downplay an emotional affair. There is a clear difference between men and women on this issue. Studies have shown that if a wife commits adultery, 70 percent of husbands will hope it was emotional and not physical. Conversely, if the husband commits adultery, 60 percent of women will hope it was physical and not emotional.
Have you both been tested for sexually transmitted diseases? This needs to be a health and safety requirement for both the offender and the offended.
Have all forms of communication ended between the offender and the other person? This may be very difficult if it has been an ongoing, secretive affair. If it was a one-night stand, this will be much easier. As leaders, we need to insist that all communication ends. If the offender is truly repentant, they will agree to this. If not, it will give you a clearer idea of where their heart is.
Is there anything else to confess or have you admitted everything? Give the offender ample opportunity for full disclosure and confession.
2. Ask, “What led to the adultery? What was your marriage like?”
This will provide you with a better understanding of the marital dynamic before the adultery occurred.
3. Assess the possibility of forgiveness and reconciliation, and always present that as a redemptive outcome.
The offender may or may not want to reconcile. They may be repentant or unrepentant. They may want to see things made right, but have no idea where to start or what to do.
The offended will need to forgive, but may not want to or realize the cost and difficulty involved with forgiveness. The offended might be bitter, caustic, hateful, resentful and not open to considering forgiveness. The offended might be hurt, sad and suffering, but open to forgiving and moving toward reconciliation.
