2. Differences in personality or perspective.
Being extroverted vs. introverted, optimistic vs. pessimistic, cautious vs. adventurous, concrete vs. abstract and organized vs. fluid are all examples of difference in personality or perspective. These differences impact marriages in many ways, but they are not moral and, therefore, do not need to be forgiven.
The appropriate response to differences in personality or perspective is appreciation, learning and cooperation. Well-managed and humbly-discussed differences will be what provides a lifetime of enjoyment to your marriage. Pridefully condemning or demanding conformity will leave the two of you feeling defeated and rejected.
Because these are enduring qualities in your spouse which are likely different from your own, these differences are common sources of bitterness. Too often, couples get caught trying to make each other “speak their language” rather than appreciating their differences. When this happens, dating-attraction becomes marital-division.
3. Attempting to do something and failing.
As a couple gets to know each other’s weaknesses, personality and perspectives, they will (or, at least, should) begin to attempt ways of “doing life together” that challenge and stretch both of them. Frequently, these love-motivated efforts will fail (or, at least, not achieve the desired result). These moments may elicit a sense of disappointment or shame, but they are not moral and, therefore, do not need to be forgiven.
The appropriate response to differences in these instances is affirmation and encouragement. Attempting to do a good thing and failing should still be viewed as a good thing. It is at least two steps ahead of attempting to do a bad thing and failing, and one step ahead of being passive.
Responding to these moments with an appreciation that borders on celebration is an essential part of creating a marital culture where both spouses feel free to take healthy relational risks (i.e., flirting in new ways, repenting, willingness to try things your spouse enjoys, etc.). When we allow these moments to get caught up in the moral language of forgiveness, we stifle the relational freedom we should be fanning into flames.
Read Ephesians 4:1-3: In a gospel-centered marriage a primary motivation for each spouse is to “walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called [referring to salvation] (p. 1).” Paul tells us how we do this, “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, being with one another in love (v. 2).” These actions and attitudes capture the essence of our response to marital annoyances and disappointments which do not warrant forgiveness. Paul tells us what the fruit of such actions will be—unity and peace (v. 3).
This resource was taken from the “Creating a Gospel-Centered Marriage: Communication” seminar.
