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How Wounded Pastors Find Healing

Woundedness. A condition this side of heaven we all will face from time to time.

Pastors are not immune.

I’ve been hurt and you probably have been as well. If you’re wounded right now because of what someone in your church or family said or did, what should you do?

Consider these five critical choices that can help you deal with your hurt.

1. Recognize and acknowledge your basic behavioral response when you get hurt.

God wired our brains to act quickly when we feel threatened. Two small almond-shaped clusters of neurons (brain cells) called the amygdala lie deep in the brain. When we feel danger or threat (i.e., someone hurts us), they enable us to respond quickly. Although they are quick to respond, they don’t differentiate very well between a real tiger in the woods (real danger when we need to run to keep from getting eaten) and a paper tiger (someone in your church who said something hurtful to you).

Here are the four basic responses to hurt. When we become aware of the one that is our predominant reaction, we can then become more proactive to not let it get out of hand.

Fight: We react, become defensive, yell, scream, refuse to yield.

Flee: We physically or emotionally cut ourselves off from others, become passive aggressive, quit talking, shut down.

Freeze: We don’t take any position, we stay neutral and don’t do anything when we should do something.

Appease: We people please, try to keep the peace at any price, compromise convictions, enable the person to continue in his or her hurtful behavior.

2. Act as if.

Jesus said in Luke 6.27 that we must love our enemies. The word for love is the word agape, a love that is not based on the merits of the other person.

This love is not something that happens to you (i.e., like someone who ‘falls’ in love). Rather, agape love is a choice of our will superintended by the Holy Spirit that allows us to love the offender even when we don’t feel like it.

It is an ‘act as if’ kind of love.

3. Guard your tongue.

When someone hurts us, it’s easy to lose control over what we say in return. Jesus says in Luke 6.28 that we must bless those who curse us.

To bless is the opposite of cursing. It is using our words in a God-honoring way rather than in a vindictive or a ‘tit-for-tat’ way.