d) Start your conversation with these three words: “Help me understand … .” You might finish with:
—“… why you believe such and such?”
—”… what you meant when you said … .”
—”… why you said … .”
—”… why you acted in such and such a way … .”
Listen to his thoughts and get the full picture before you launch into your reasons for disagreement or offense. There is every possibility that you don’t have all the facts concerning the issue, and you’d do well to listen to the pastor’s take on it first. Few things are more irritating than to be criticized for something that was actually a misunderstanding, or was the result of several layers of gossip. That doesn’t mean you don’t have a point to make, but only that now you’ll be able to do so in light of all the facts.
e) Present your view without threats, generalizations or personal attacks. Where possible, use your Bible to support your view: If you are coming as an ally and not an attacker, your goal is mutual understanding and pursuit of the truth. If this is your motive, be humble though confident and realize that a good dialogue may not solve the problem, but will certainly not heighten the situation and cause more problems.
f) End your time in prayer: After all is said and done, you are still brothers and sisters in Christ, part of the family of God, and partners in the mission of Christ, through the church, to the world. Differences will exist, but as Christ-followers we must deal with our differences differently than do those who don’t know Jesus. Love goes a long way toward creating an environment for mutual understanding over time.
Lastly, remember: Pastors are proud people, still not fully sanctified. They are always in the public eye, with each word and decision fair game to be measured, critiqued and opposed. Very few other corporate leaders are as available to be adjudicated by their families, staff and customers as those who lead the church.
This doesn’t mean they are above being measured, critiqued and opposed. It does mean they have had to develop a thick skin and are experts at distinguishing caustic critics from committed allies. Be an ally. Be the one that helps rather than hinders, that wraps the truth in layers of love, that places the highest priority on the glory of Christ and the health of his church.
