This is a guest post by my friend Dr. Jennifer Degler. Jennifer pulls no punches. But she’s a difference maker in the Kingdom. I’m thankful for her influence.
Dear Pastor,
If you are a pastor considering or engaging in an affair, may I offer you points to ponder from a psychologist who has been honored to work with hurting people on all sides of an affair?
1) The biggest lie you are telling yourself is, “I am attracted to my affair partner because of things that are wrong with my spouse.”
Here’s the truth: “I am attracted to my affair partner because of things that are wrong in me.” An affair will not fix what’s wrong with you. Having an emotional or sexual affair is using another person as a pain reliever. They are your Oxycodone, your drug of choice. You are using him or her as a distraction from your brokenness.
The bottom line: An affair is using another person in the worst way and calling it love.
2) You are thinking like a narcissist if you believe things like: “The importance of my ministry should earn me a pass on church discipline or making apologies,” or, “I don’t need to step down from leadership,” or, “Exceptions should be made for me,” or even, “I am entitled to this affair.”
Bottom line: You are not that special. None of us are.
3) Your affair or “inappropriate relationship” (the latest euphemism) will come out eventually.
Don’t fool yourself; it’s going to be uncovered and made public. Thanks to social media, thousands of people will know within days.
Bottom line: Anyone who Googles your name will find your affair on the first page of search results.
4) When your secret is exposed, your family, friends, staff and church members will feel violated, and those who have deeper emotional wounds from an alcoholic, abusive, self-absorbed, or absent parent or spouse will be affected in ways you can’t even imagine.
The current betrayal and abandonment they feel in reaction to your actions will stir up old hurts. They had grown to trust you as their pastor, to believe they had finally found a truly good man or woman who loved them too much to lie. Your affair will leave them reeling.
Best case scenario: They share their emotional upheaval with caring friends and a counselor. Their church pulls together to provide support for many months.
