In your research, you interviewed several experts who work with pastors and their wives, and I recall these words from Russ Veenker:
Sometimes a pastor’s wife feels that she must compete with the church for her husband’s attention. It’s almost like the church has become his mistress. She has to fight for his affections, and he often feels nagged. In those cases, pastors will often make statements like, “I want my home to be my sanctuary,” or “I want my home to be a place of rest.” This results in over-commitment to the church, and his unavailability to her often leads to depression and disillusionment for both of them.
Charles: I recall those conversations when you confronted me about my imbalance. I didn’t like them, but I needed a jolt to get me back on track. And I believe Dr. Veenker correctly assessed this dynamic. When pastors add to their wives’ loneliness though inadvertently making the church a mistress, both pastor and wife lose.
2. Inescapable Vulnerability With Others
Charles: You chose vulnerability as the second killer on your list. Tell us more about that one.
Sherryl: Pastors’ wives face a unique kind of vulnerability. By default, the church where her husband serves often becomes the center of her life in several areas. It’s her main opportunity for service, the place to find some of her closest relationships, the source of her family’s primary means of financial support, and her home away from home. Unfortunately, it also becomes the source of the greatest criticism. Unlike many women who find volunteer opportunities, friendships and income through other various venues, a pastor’s wife often finds all three wrapped up in the same place: the church.
A politician’s wife comes closest to this predicament. She must guard what she says so that her words always reflect well on her husband. If she slips, what she says could become fodder for his opponents and could lead to controversy or defeat in a future election. One wife told me as we discussed church relationships, “You have to remember that the sharks are circling.”
Current research has pinpointed how pastors’ wives respond. Jama Davis noted in her doctoral dissertation4 the same reaction I’ve seen in my conversations with pastors’ wives. This vulnerability runs so deep that many wives are even reluctant to share their hurts with other pastors’ wives in their own church or those in nearby churches. They don’t feel safe even with their own kind. What could become an avenue for intimacy, prayer and mutual encouragement is often perceived as a threat. As a result, pastors’ wives tend to meet these needs through impersonal or anonymous venues, such as online communities, retreats with women they probably won’t ever see again and books.
Charles: Since you’ve had your share of loneliness and vulnerability, how have you dealt with this?
Sherryl: Well, over the years, God has brought a few safe people into my life. Fortunately, one of mine has been a professional counselor who was a preacher’s kid. She understands my world both experientially and professionally. I would encourage pastors’ wives to find a safe person, even if it’s a professional counselor who understands ministry life. Professional coaching also could provide a source of help.
3. Living in a “Fishbowl” World
Charles: I’ve heard the “fishbowl” analogy before, and I think I get it. You listed it as your third killer. What exactly do you mean?
Sherryl: When I say that a fishbowl experience can become a ministry-killer for a pastor’s wife, I mean this: We not only must face the normal and painful stuff life throws at us, but we must do it as the church looks on.
Fortunately, what created my anxiety in the fishbowl also challenged me to deepen my walk with Christ. Knowing that others watched my response to crises spurred me to move forward in my faith rather than to wallow in self-pity. Had I not been in the fishbowl, I’m not sure I would have relied as much on His grace.
As I reflect on Jesus’ life, I realize He revealed the Father’s heart to us even when He lived in a fishbowl. The people expected Him to be one kind of Messiah, but He didn’t meet their expectations. Instead, He met His Father’s. He lived to please God, not others.
This understanding freed me. Although I can only reflect His image dimly, even in the fishbowl I want to mirror His character as clearly as possible. When I try to keep my eyes on the Lord to seek His approval, I’m more at peace and free to be me when I deal with others’ expectations. As a pastor’s wife, I must remind myself that one day I will stand before Him to give an account of my life. Then the only thing that will matter is that my life reflected Him well.
