4 Spouse-Killers in Your Ministry

4. Managing Unrealistic or Unfair Expectations

Charles: What do you mean by “expectations,” specifically, and how have you seen pastors’ wives respond?

Sherryl: The spoken and unspoken expectations churches place on pastors’ wives landed on my list because every church has them. Most churches don’t officially say they expect certain things from pastors’ wives. However, they’re as pervasive as dust bunnies and differ from what they expect from other women in the church. I’ll explain what I mean by describing three ways I’ve seen pastors’ wives respond.

Some pastors’ wives simply give up when they can’t meet the expectations. They withdraw and often sullenly sit alongside their husbands in church and do little else. Others yield to despair, helplessness and hopelessness, afraid to resign from any of their church responsibilities because they believe it will hurt their husbands and even threaten his job security. One pastor’s wife said to me, “I have a pastor’s wife mask I hang on my door that I put on when I go to church. Once I get home, I hang it up again.” She felt she couldn’t be herself at church. She feared if she were, and people knew her, they’d reject her.

Others outright rebel. When they face continued pressures, some act out almost like teenagers. Some have turned to affairs. Others have left their husbands. Some have made statements simply to get a rise out of members. I knew one who had her body pierced and tattooed and deliberately wore clothing at church to prominently display her body art. Sometimes I’ve wondered if, on a subconscious level, these women hope that acting out might get their husbands (and themselves) kicked out. The prospect of being out from under these expectations may seem worth the loss of respect that would come from getting booted from the church.

I admit these responses are extreme, though they’re more common than you might think. But not every pastor’s wife responds in these ways. Many move forward the best they can with grace and dignity. They pray, lean on the Lord and seek encouragement from His Word. They seek out godly influences and help their husbands understand their struggles. I’ve certainly not managed expectations perfectly, but by God’s grace the two of us have not yielded to these ministry-killers.

5. Having Little or No Voice in Response to Church Decisions or Critics

Charles: Your last ministry-killer touches on something unique. Unravel that one for us.

Sherryl: This issue concerns two groups: church boards and your critics. Boards where we’ve served have seldom asked for my thoughts on decisions. I recognize that because I don’t serve on these boards, they aren’t bound to ask me what I think.

And most decisions have had little direct bearing on our family or me. However, when a decision does impact our family, as a pastor’s wife I’m not able to voice concerns for fear that such disapproval could affect your job or how others may perceive you.

As for critics, we’ve often felt the brunt of unfounded criticism through an email, a call or a conversation. It hurts, especially when it comes from someone we’ve thought safe.

It’s easy for a pastor’s wife to take offense. Since these criticisms aren’t directed toward me, Matthew 18 instructs me not to bring them up; rather, you’re the one who is to approach the critic. But because I’m your wife, when you get criticized, I feel criticized as well. To add insult to injury, I’m expected to be gracious when I come in contact with these people. This makes me feel bound and gagged. Even during meetings where others are encouraged to air their concerns about your leadership and are free to stand up and say anything they want, I don’t feel that freedom, even when I’m sitting right next to you in the meeting.

Charles: You’ve described five pastors’ wives’ ministry-killers. In summary, what advice would you give spouses that might help them navigate the inevitable challenges?

Sherryl: I’d like to suggest three ideas I’ve found helpful.

First, we must practice what I call “pre-forgiveness.” Most wives will face at least some of the ministry-killers. Disappointment, hurt and discouragement come with ministry. Knowing this, I’ve tried to position my heart ahead of a hurt to extend grace even before it’s needed.

Wounded women can easily become bitter. Scripture tells us that bitterness hurts not only us but those around us. If my heart is filled with grace when someone throws a dart at me, God’s grace can surround it before it can wound me. I’ve not always done this, but when I have, those hurts have not become places where bitterness could grow.

Second, we must use a trained counselor when we can’t move forward from a hurt. I’ve found that some words and actions from church people act like triggers. They trigger feelings rooted in unresolved hurts we’ve brought from our past. I believe God actually allows this pain to prompt us to seek help from others so we can be free of our baggage. The pain reminds us that we’ve not yet moved beyond a past experience. Thus someone who hurt us actually can become a tool that God uses to grow us. Joseph’s response to his brothers when he revealed himself to them demonstrates this: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good.”⁵

Finally, as you and I have both mentioned, pastors’ wives should find a trusted friend with whom they can walk through their valleys. Some wives may consider themselves strong enough to handle what ministry brings by drawing upon their own strength and the Lord’s. But I believe the story of Lazarus challenges that thought.

After Lazarus had been in the tomb three days, Jesus arrived. As He looked at the tomb where Lazarus’s body lay, He told Lazarus to come out. He truly performed an astonishing miracle in raising the dead.

Yet Jesus didn’t do everything. He had someone else remove the stone from the tomb. He instructed others to remove the graveclothes. We do need others to help us avoid being bound by the graveclothes of ministry-killers.

I’d like to share one final thought. Although being a pastor’s wife brings many challenges, my role allows for spiritual impact that few others experience. I’m able to invest in your life as few others can. I believe I make a unique contribution to the body of Christ expressed through the local church where we serve. Despite all the challenges I face, I wouldn’t trade my role for any other. I hope the wives who read this would see themselves in the same way.

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Mark McMinn, former professor at Wheaton College, wrote:

A male pastor relying on his wife for support may function well most of the time, but this narrow support system will become a problem if she is not able to fulfill that role (if she herself becomes burned out, depressed, disabled, disillusioned and so on).⁶

Pastors, we must heed this counsel. When our wives feel overloaded, we should lean more into our safe friends. And if you are a pastor’s wife and feel overloaded by your own ministry-killers, please talk to your husband and let him know how you feel. Unless he knows, he may inadvertently add to your stress.  

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