When people take the time to express their concerns or issues, one of the last things they want to hear come out of your mouth is “but.” Why? Because it sounds like an excuse and it causes the person you are talking with to feel as if you are minimizing their thoughts and feelings.
Don’t get me wrong. I realize that a vast majority of the thoughts and feelings of people are often misguided and misplaced. That being said, using the word “but” tends to sound more like you aren’t willing to take responsibility for things and are being defensive. “But it wasn’t my fault that the event fell apart.” Uh … well, being that you are the leader of that event … yes, yes it is!
“I already know what you are going to say …”
Really? You already know what I’m going to say? You are a mind reader? Not only is this statement ridiculous because no one can know what another person is going to say (they can only guess), it again minimizes the ideas that another person has.
Leaders who use this phrase are generally trying to deflect what they believe is going to become negative criticism. And guess what? Sometimes what you are about to hear is negative criticism! But rather than prevent that negative criticism from being engaged, saying “I already know what you are going to say” essentially shuts down all conversation.
“If only …”
After being confronted with concerns about the lack of communication, the leaders I was observing said, “If only you would send us an email letting us know you wanted to know the plans.” Uh … Houston, we have a problem. If you are saying that others should have contacted you about your responsibility of contacting other people, you are missing something.
Saying things like “if only” is essentially the same as saying “but …” and it isn’t effective.
Healthy Leaders Use Language of Responsibility
Here’s the bottom line. Wise and effective leaders take responsibility for things even when they aren’t necessarily the “problem.” Rather than shift blame, these types of leaders validate the thoughts and feelings of people and then try to help find solutions to the problems.
So the next time someone expresses some concerns, whether they are valid or ill-placed, why not try to use language that validates that person and avoid using language that shifts blame and takes a defensive posture. You’ll find this model much more effective.
What phrases would you add?
