Changing Our Language
Maybe the best place to begin is by changing our language.
The word debate, by its very nature, screams argumentation. Presenting arguments, or reasons why you believe a plan or idea will work, is a good thing. But more often than not, we enter into a debate with a highly defensive posture, preparing ourselves to fight, to belittle and mock, rather than take the necessary time to truly listen to one another. Debate isn’t an entirely bad word, but if we want to retain its use, we need to redefine it.
What other possibilities do we have?
I like the terms conversation, dialogue and discussion. However, in order for these terms to have meaning we must employ the concept of active listening.
Active Listening
Active listening means what it implies. Rather than giving space for someone else to speak only so we can have time to formulate our response, active listening actually listens to the other.
We don’t position ourselves in order to unleash a counterattack. No, we listen to others, reflecting on their words, asking questions when clarity is required, while seeking for the good, rather than the bad, in what they have to say.
The last sentence is instructive.
Our typical default posture, whether in conversation, reading a book or watching a television program, is to seek out what we believe to be the bad, not the good, points of what is in front of us.
Questions like
• Where are the fault-lines in their presentation?
• What are the problems? and
• How are they wrong?
seem to dominate our thought process when someone else is doing the talking.
However, we fail to remember that when our time is up, when we are giving our presentations, we hope people will listen to us, ask questions and seek for common ground rather than just look for reasons why they believe we’re wrong and they’re right.
Practicing the Golden Rule
Maybe we should do to others the way we would have them do to us.
We won’t always agree with each other, and that’s OK. However, we need to create and cultivate a posture of conversation, where we actively listen to one another, seek clarity, point out the good, while dialoguing in the areas where we disagree.
We need to create and cultivate an environment where respect, dignity and honor inform the basis of our conversations, rather than allow disrespect, distrust and dishonor to take the lead.
And, you never know, it just might work.
Rather than default into seeking only the bad in a person’s ideas, let’s form a new habit of pointing out the good.
Certainly there will be areas where we differ, and sometimes differ greatly, but let us choose applause as our first response, while carving out time to discuss the areas of development.
And, you never know, it just might work.
Moving Forward Together
In the end, all I know is this—the way we’ve been doing it will never work to bring about the results we know we all need.
The hope and answers we all crave for will be found in the midst of a community of equals who understand that in order to move forward in healthy and constructive ways, we will have to move forward together, walking upon the foundation of respect and conversation, not war and condescension.
There is a better way forward and the church should lead the way as we point to the One who demonstrated that respect, not ridicule, is the only way to the path of reconciliation.
I’m listening. Please speak.
Pilgrimage is a metaphor for humility. Pilgrimage encourages us to let go of the need to have final certainty on how we understand the Bible and be less prone to put up walls of division, because we are more willing to discuss, explore and change rather than proclaim, conquer and defend. —Peter Enns
