(This post has not been edited for errors. These are my raw, sincere thoughts and may not be easy to read.)
Have you ever prayed for something with all of your heart, fully believing that God would hear and respond to your prayer – only for it not to happen?
Can I keep it real? That really hurts. I’ve had a few moments like that and I’ll be honest with you – I don’t fully understand.
15 years ago one of my mentors had brain cancer. He was young. His family needed him. People prayed like crazy for his healing. Men surrounded his house in a powerful prayer circle one day. He died a few weeks later. I was stumped.
Recently I have witnessed 2 fathers begging and pleading for God to heal their sick children. Scripture was quoted, pastors prayed, faith was high. I joined those fathers in prayer. I deeply desired a miracle with all of my heart.
My little hero Jessie Rees was one of those children and she passed away a week ago. I don’t know if I’ve ever known more people to pray for a child to be healed. I’m not giving up on God – I’m just confused.
I understand that God’s ways are not our ways. I understand that God knows best.
I just don’t understand which prayers God answers and why. A few days ago I heard an older man declare that God healed his cancer after much prayer. I must admit that I was a bit callous to his declaration because I just don’t know what to think about God hearing his prayers and not the prayers of others – especially for kids in pain.
Our prayer was for God to heal these people on earth. Our faith tells us that they are now healed in Heaven, but that was not our prayer. They’d be healed in Heaven if we never said one prayer at all.
In the end, it makes me a bit reluctant to say bold prayers for healing and even more reluctant to encourage families of sick children to do this – when God answering those prayers seems random and unlikely.
I’m as convinced as ever that God cares about us, but when it seems like God doesn’t, it hurts.
I don’t have an inspirational end to this blog post. I just want you to hear from a man of faith that I’m struggling with my faith, but holding on to it anyway.
Love you all,