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Sex, Marriage, and Why You Should Date Your Wife

Once word got out that I’m writing a book called Date Your Wife, people began sending me advice to include in the book. So far, it is all sex advice. And so far, these e-mails have all come from women.

I don’t know why all the e-mails are about sex and why they’re all from women. (FYI, women don’t normally e-mail me about sex, though I encourage my wife to do so as often as she likes.)

Here is an e-mail I received last Friday:

Hi Justin,

I thought you might be interested to know I went to a Mom’s homeschooling meeting last week and the topic was intimacy with your husband. Three different ladies presented on the importance of having regular sex with your husband: 3-day rule (never go 3 days without having sex) and 2x a week rule (have sex at least 2x a week). They all had experience and research to support how it benefits the entire family and changed one family from almost divorced to happy as can be. I hope this is not too weird I am emailing you about this. Thought it may be useful for your book.

This e-mail shocked me.

You might be shocked by what shocked me. It all depends on how you handle sex in your marriage. I was shocked to read that a group of wives are getting excited about the idea that sex with their husbands has many benefits and should be done twice a week. If we need to go to a mom’s homeschooling meeting to learn that sex is really important in a marriage and in a family, we’re in big trouble. I don’t need to see any research about the benefits of sex for a marriage.

I just know it feels really good and that when a husband and wife really love and like each other, they get naked and have a lot of sex. Back when you were dating your wife, as you were heading toward marriage, did you need anyone to tell you that you should have lots of sex together?

And “two-times-a-week rule”? “Three-day rule”? In our marriage, we don’t have a three-day rule; we have something called a three-day exception. Only if I’m traveling will we make an exception and go three days without doing what Adam and Eve did on their wedding day. Do you think Adam and Eve practiced the twice-a-week rule?

Taylor was as surprised as I was by the e-mail. She responded to the woman with an e-mail of her own:

It’s great that you thought to share what happened at the homeschool meeting with Justin. But I think the 2x a week rule and 3-day rule isn’t frequent enough. I think aiming for every other day (4x a week) is a healthier range. But I guess this is a question our husbands can best answer, since they typically have the bigger “sex tank,” and we definitely don’t want to send them out into this sex crazed world with their sex tanks on low. Satan is prowling. One other brief thought is that when I’m aiming for 4x week, that doesn’t have to be roses, chocolate, and lingerie encounters every time. Quickies are an ace in our pockets. 🙂


Man, I love my wife.

Quick Survey:

1. Currently, how many times a week do you have sex with your wife?

2. Ideally, how many times a week would you like to have sex with your wife?

3. What needs to change in your marriage to bridge the gap between question 1 and question 2?

4. How would your wife answer these questions for herself?

What the two e-mails above have in common is that they’re both wife-driven attempts at sustaining and improving a marriage. Every marriage involves two people, so (except in the rarest of cases) both husband and wife are responsible for the problems in their marriage. And both husband and wife are responsible for addressing those problems and moving the marriage forward. But this isn’t a book for women. This is a book for men. And this book is fueled by this conviction: if you want to change a marriage, change the man.


Underline this next sentence. If you want to change a marriage, change the man. That’s you. So whether you’ve been following the two-times-a-week rule, the one-time-a-week rule, or the one-time-a-quarter rule in your marriage, don’t rush to show your wife my wife’s e-mail. That won’t work. Your wife isn’t the problem. You’re the problem. I’m the problem. Men are the problem. If you want to change a marriage, change the man. If you want to change your marriage, you must first see that you are the main problem in your marriage.

I imagine there are exceptions to this, but you and your marriage are not the exception. There’s probably one guy somewhere in Canada who can legitimately claim that most of the problems in his marriage stem from his Canadian wife. He’s the exception. You aren’t. The man who reads this book and disagrees, who thinks his wife is the main problem in the marriage, is the man who most needs to read this book.

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Justin Buzzard is the lead pastor of Garden City Church, a new church plant in downtown San Jose. You can follow him on twitter @JustinBuzzard or on Facebook. His preaching is featured on Preaching Today and at Garden City Church. He has written the books, Date Your Wife and Consider Jesus. Presently he is writing a new book, Why Cities Matter (Crossway, 2013; co-authored with Dr. Stephen Um).