In my last post, I suggested that the core competency for leading any “community”—from a family to a church to a country—is the ability to “disappoint your own people at a rate they can absorb” (Heifetz and Linsky).
In this post, I want to begin to lay out some necessary skills for becoming a good disappointing leader. And the word “good” here means both a sense of competence as well as character. In other words, if I am going to be a good leader, I need to be committed to “skillfully” disappointing people as well as doing so for genuinely good reasons.
Here is a summary of what I want to say, and then over the next few posts, I’ll take it apart and we can look at each piece. (With thanks to Ed Friedman, Peter Steinke and Murray Bowen for the “organizational systems” research that is behind all of this.) If you want to lead effective change, in the face of resistance and even while disappointing people around you:
So, let’s begin with the first clause: To be a good disappointing leader, you have to start by acting on a conviction.
Now the word “start” here is actually misleading. Before you can “start” by acting on a conviction, you actually have to HAVE a conviction. And this takes time. Think of the forming of a clear conviction as the “prerequisite for leadership.” Clear good leadership that can withstand the disappointment of people is a product of maturity and differentiation (a term we’ll spend a great deal of time on in future posts). It is the result of study, conversation, humility and discernment.
Having a well-thought-out, values-based conviction—an “As for me and my house” conviction (Joshua 24:15)—is not easy. Most of us simply inherit convictions from those around us. We take up the concerns or passions of others, we even take on the mantle of leadership to please others, or as a default. How many of us have said, “Well, if no one else is going to do this, I guess I will (but don’t blame me if it doesn’t work out the way you’d like).”
I think many people become pastors or take on leadership positions for ego needs. We see the glint of admiration in the eyes of others, we hear the way they introduce us (“You know that my son is studying to be a PASTOR. Isn’t that great?”), we like the sense that we are somebody special and we take on a role that we may not even have that much conviction about. We imagine ourselves with our new titles. Spiritual writer Parker Palmer was invited to apply for a college presidency. When a “clearness committee” helped him think through his motives for pursuing the job, he finally admitted, “I think I am interested because it would be nice to get my picture in the paper.”
And soon, we are like the dog that catches the car. We are dragged along by the sheer force and energy of others’ opinions and affirmation, afraid to let go. And because we are not acting out of conviction, we fold under the disappointment of others.
But a clear, thought out conviction that comes from within one’s values and is consistent with one’s beliefs is like a healthy spine and strong “core muscles” for the body. They enable us to stand without wavering, to keep our balance, to stay grounded without having to be overly defensive or attacking. We are like a well-rooted Sequoia tree that can withstand the fires and the storms. Others may get blown away or consumed, but convictions help us stand in the midst of the disappointment of others.
