Dealing With a Dominator

Say your group is bonding well, everyone is engaging in conversation, and everyone seems to be enjoying meeting. And then, a new person joins the group and suddenly they’re dominating every conversation. No matter what topic is discussed or what question is asked they eagerly share their opinions for five or ten or twenty minutes and no one can get a word in edgewise. Sometimes, when someone else starts to answer, the dominating person jumps in and talks louder until the other person gives up.

At first it’s not a big deal and you think to yourself, well, maybe this person just needs to talk, but after awhile it becomes a problem. After several meetings, some people in the group are clearly getting annoyed and finally one by one people just stop coming to the group. What has happened is the talker has sucked all the oxygen out of the group, they have crowded everyone else out.

Now, there may be some very good reasons for the talker’s behavior, but no matter why they do it their actions are harmful to the group. So what do you do about it?

Try these things:

Set the stage by announcing before discussion that you want everyone to share and to help that you want each person in the group to limit their sharing to no more than a minute.

When the dominant personality starts talking, give them the minute and then wait until they catch a breath, or maybe just slow down just a little bit, catch their eye, hold up your hand and say, “That’s a really good point.” Then immediately look at another person in the group and ask, “What do you think?” Then keep “batting the ball around” so that others can talk.

If the dominant person interrupts someone else who had started to share, hold up a hand and say loudly, “Sorry, X, so-and-so was talking first.” Then turn to the person who was interrupted and say, “Now, what were you saying?”

After the meeting, chat privately with the dominating person and mention to them in a loving way, “I know you have good ideas and you really want to share them, but we need to get everyone involved in the discussion. Please help me get other people talking and sharing in the group by letting at least five people speak before you do. That should encourage others to share.”

If they are interrupting  others, add, “You may not have known you were doing this, but you interrupted several people who were talking before you.”

Usually, the talker will recognize these traits in themselves, and this will help them think about when they’re talking too much, or interrupting others, and will also get them thinking about how to involve others.

Another technique is to use your body to direct the discussion. Try standing during the discussion time and facing each person who shares. If you’re facing away from the dominating person they can’t get your attention. And if they start talking when you’re facing away from them, don’t turn to face them. When it is their turn to share, face them for a reasonable time and then turn to face someone else in the group and ask, “What do you think?”

If, after you’ve tried these ideas and you have talked to them privately, they continue talking, interrupting and dominating conversations, continue to divert the conversation from them during the meeting and have another private conversation with them after the meeting reminding them of your earlier conversation and again asking for their help and cooperation.

At an extreme, if things just don’t get better, use a talking stick. It’s a simple device in which the meeting facilitator, you or whoever is running the meeting, places a feather or a straw or a similar object on the floor or table in the middle of the group. Then you say, “In order for everyone to get a turn sharing, we’re using a talking stick tonight. When you would like to share please get my attention. When I give the talking stick to someone it’s their turn to share until I get the stick back. That means, no interrupting or talking over the person.” Then you are in control of who has “permission” to speak. No stick, no talk.

If your group has small group guidelines consider adding to your guidelines, “being respectful towards each other by not interrupting and by giving everyone equal opportunity to share”. And, if you don’t have group guidelines, this is a perfect reason to have them. Then, all you need to do when someone crosses the boundaries that the group has agreed to is to remind them privately of the agreement and ask for their help in keeping it.  

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Saddleback Church serves the Southern California community through more than 200 ministries, eight worship venues, six campuses, weekend worship services, a variety of counseling and support programs, Bible studies and seminars, local and global outreach programs, and a broad network of small groups meeting in local homes. Its purpose is to lead people to Jesus and membership in his family, teach them to worship the Lord and magnify his name, develop them to Christlike maturity, and equip them for ministry in the church and a mission in the world.