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20 Ways to Ensure Your Email Never Gets Read

To almost everyone who has ever used email,

I’ve read your emails. One too many times.

They’ve cluttered my inbox. Wasted my time. And asked me to do something I didn’t want to do. (I never wanted to forward this email to my 10 friends, and I’m pretty sure Jesus isn’t upset with me for not.)

If you want to keep ensuring that I don’t read your emails, please note the following whenever you send an email.

20 Ways to Ensure Your Email Never Gets Read

  • Make sure FWD is in the subject line
  • Make sure to start with ‘I never send forwards, but this…’
  • Make your email more than 500 words 200 words 100 words.
  • Leave out the subject line altogether.
  • Start with ‘Sorry this email is so long…’
  • Consistently send emails that have no real purpose or aren’t moving the ball forward.
  • Never reply to emails
  • Never follow up with emails you send
  • Make sure the important stuff is embedded deep in the email and is tough to find
  • Use a font that is super small
  • Use a flash image as your background or signature
  • Assume everyone cares about all of the little details. Every one of them.
  • Include lots of pictures that take a long time to Download
  • Includes lots of attachments. More than 3 is preferable.
  • Send emails that have to be answered within the hour. Never give someone advanced warning.
  • never capitalize anything. even to start a sentence.
  • Write run on sentences.
  • Don’t use commas.
  • Use more than 5 commas/sentence
  • Don’t use spell check. Ever.

If you want your email to never be read, do any or all of the above.

You’re welcome.

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Ben Reed is the small groups pastor at Long Hollow, a multi-site church in the Nashville, TN, area. He holds an Mdiv from Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. Ben is also an avid coffee drinker and CrossFitter, but not at the same time. Catch up with Ben at BenReed.net. In his book, "Starting Small: The Ultimate Small Group Blueprint," he helps leaders through the process of putting a small group ministry together and creating a place where people belong so they can become.