Dear Stephen,
It’s that time of year again! It’s time to renew your annual subscription to Worry Incorporated! We at Worry Inc. greatly value your business, and wanted to remind you of all the great services that we offer.
Here’s a sampling of the great services we are offering this year.
The Illusion of Control
Technically speaking, you can’t actually control the future. I mean, no offense, but that’s way above your pay grade. However, we can offer you the illusion of control. By supplying you with a constant supply of worrisome thoughts, we can make you feel as if you are somehow in control of the future. Is your child sick? Never fear. We have can fill your mind with every possible diagnosis, ranging from the common cold, to something much, much worse. Granted, these thoughts won’t actually change your situation in any way. What we’ve discovered, however, is that most people seem believe that if they worry about a situation enough, it will actually change the situation. That’s where we come in. Let us supply all of the useless, worrisome thoughts you need.
A False Sense of Security
Unfortunately, despite all of our best research efforts, we have not yet devised a way to translate worry into reality. In other words, no matter how many worrisome thoughts we supply you regarding your finances, those worrisome thoughts cannot produce any real change in your finances. Nevertheless, we are constantly improving the false sense of security we offer people. You may not be able to actually add any hours to your life or any hairs to your head, but we can make you feel like you can do those things. The more you worry, the more you feel like you are actually making things happen. Let us be your primary supplier of false security.
An Artificial Feeling of Independence
The more in control and secure you feel, the more independent of God you will feel. Now, technically speaking, you need God to do everything for you (SEE: Maintaining heartbeat, protecting children, breathing in and out, etc.). However, the more you utilize our worry services, the more independent from God you will feel. Rather than resting in the sovereign control of God, you can fret and worry your way to independence! Surely someone as wise as you can see the value in this! Let us be the number one supplier for all your artificial independence needs.
The last decade has been a banner year for us! Thanks to the ongoing economic recession, the burst of the housing bubble, and various natural disasters, we added millions of subscribers. We’re hoping you will continue to be one of our valued subscribers.
Here’s to another great year!
Sincerely,
Worry Incorporated
