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A Christmas Skit for Any Size Church

MP: The opposite of that.

SW: What’s the opposite of th—?

MP: Ooh! And angels! Angels coming and going all over the place! And a musical number!

SW: You mean, like Broadway?

MP: Bigger!

SW: (Sarcastically, to herself) Maybe I’ll just have the angels do the big musical number.

MP: That’s perfect! (His eyes get big, like the greatest idea of all time has hit him, then he speaks softly and deliberately) Listen to this … It. Splits. History. In. Half.

SW: (Looks at him like he’s crazy, then down at her screen like she’s given up) So you want a feel-good, family, love story, arthouse, political, costume drama, horror, escape, disaster-that’s-not-a-disaster, supernatural, musical, historical epic (searching through the laptop screen) … with animals and angels. … (sarcastically) Anything else?

MP: (Calmly) Peace.

SW: (Rolling her eyes) Uh, yeah. Peace, man.

MP: (Seriously) No. The story. It brings peace to the whole world.

SW: Of course it does.

MP: What would it take to do all that?

SW: (Sarcastically) You mean, aside from like, a billion-dollar budget?

MP: (Not catching the sarcasm) Yeah. Aside from that.

SW: OK … this is Lord of the Rings territory now. We’re talking three to four huge books, five to seven movies, maybe a theme park … we’re practically creating a new religion here.

MP: Oh no! We’re not doing that. The last thing the world needs is a new religion.

SW: OK … it’s nice to know you draw the line somewhere. But I gotta tell you, I don’t see how any of it will make sense in the same story …

MP: Well, work on it and get back to me in a week.

The screenwriter leaves the stage.

SCENE 2: One Week Later

The Movie Producer is in his office, talking on his phone again. He is now behaving rationally.

MP: Thanks Doc. I’m feeling a lot better now. You’ve helped me so much this past week. This is my first day back in the office since my … episode. I’m waiting on a screenwriter to come in. I think I scared her a little last week and I need to apologize. Then I’ll take that overdue vacation, like you recommended.

The screenwriter enters holding a sheet of paper. She’s excited, but not in a crazy way.

MP: (Into the phone) Oh, here she is. Gotta go. Thanks Doc. (He ends the call and turns his attention to the screenwriter) Hello, miss. … You know I never did get your name. (as he reaches out to shake her hand)

SW: (So excited she doesn’t notice his outstretched hand) Never mind that. Here! (She hands him the piece of paper)

MP: Uh, what’s this?

SW: It’s our screenplay! And I have to say, I think it’s the best thing I’ve ever written!

MP: (Looking at the page, turning it over to see it has writing on both sides) You mean this … this … single piece of paper is a screenplay?

SW: Yep! And it’s all there!

MP: What’s all here?

SW: Everything we talked about! (She gets giddy as she says this) It’s a feel-good, family, love story, arthouse, political, costume drama, horror, escape, disaster-that’s-not-a-disaster, supernatural, musical, historical epic (pauses for a breath) with animals and angels!

MP: Uh huh. … (Pulls out his phone, turns his back to her and speaks quietly into it) Security, I have a code red. (He turns back to her) Listen, last week when I had you in here, I wasn’t exactly myself. And I may have said some things that were a little bit … I don’t know …

SW: Crazy!

MP: Well, crazy is a little strong …

SW: Oh, no sir. You were crazy. Then I started thinking about it and, I don’t know … something just came over me and I started writing it. Please sir, I know this sounds …

MP: Crazy?

SW: Fair enough. But just give it a read, please?

Two security guards show up. The producer points them to the screenwriter.

MP: (Condescendingly) Sure … sure I’ll read it. But for now I have a couple friends here who are going to take you to see another friend of mine, OK?

The security guards take her by each arm and start to lead her out.