More Thoughts on Premarital Sex
So while this young man may feel shame and conviction that he didn’t take more responsibility for chastity as the masculine leader and initiator, he may subtly be saying to himself that she was kind of seductive and could have helped him stop but she didn’t. Thus, he begins to shift blame onto her—and she may be doing the very same thing.
She may feel shame and conviction that she was too compliant or maybe even seductive and didn’t resist when she should have, but she might begin to shift more blame onto him and find fault that he didn’t protect her in that moment of temptation.
In other words, mutual forgiveness is no simple matter because for forgiveness to be full and complete and real, there needs to be confession and repentance that are authentic and lasting. Both people need to own completely their fault for having sex before marriage, and both, indeed, are at fault. Yes, they are. And both need to be willing to confess their part in this, even at the risk of the other person taking advantage of them and putting more blame on them than they should have.
What’s needed here is not only the grace of forgiveness but the grace to risk being taken advantage of. In addition, they need the grace to risk bearing more accusation than you think appropriate, the grace to treat another person better than you’re being treated. They also need the grace to stay low before the cross when the temptation is to rise and feel superior, even superior that your repentance is better. Mutual forgiveness is very complex, and we need grace at every turn.
4. Add forbearance to forgiveness.
In view of human imperfections and all the ambiguities surrounding mutual forgiveness, there will need to be a huge experience of the reality behind the old-fashioned word “forbearance.” Forbearance is what you do when forgiveness hasn’t remedied all the tensions between you. You think the other person should have done more, or changed more, or repented more. They haven’t done what your gut says they should do.
So you can either walk away from that relationship—that has destroyed a million marriages—or you can forebear; that is, put up with, endure. The Bible talks this way. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13:7, “Love bears all things, believes all things, endures”—he says it twice—“bears all things…endures all things.”
And the key passage on this matter of forbearance is Colossians 3:12-13. It goes like this: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness and patience”—and here it is—“forbearing one another.” In other words: enduring or bearing with one another. “If one has a complaint, forgiving each another” and so on. Forgive and forbear.
5. Restore trust over time.
Next, I’d say to our friends struggling with this mess they’ve made: The restoration of trust takes time. It is possible to forgive someone yet not trust them fully. Trust is earned; forgiveness is not. We trust someone because they’ve proved to be trustworthy, not because they say they’re trustworthy. Which means when we have broken trust, which they have, both of them, it will take time to establish confidence in our character.
So be patient with one another and be honest about this. It’s very painful to look a person in the eye and say: “I don’t know if I can fully trust you yet.” That’s enough to destroy a relationship. But being dishonest to try to preserve the relationship will wreak havoc in the long run.
6. Had premarital sex? Have hope!
The last thing I’d share with someone who asks “Is sex before marriage a sin?” is a great gospel word of hope. Yes, purity is possible again, even though you’ve had premarital sex. Yes, forgiveness, forbearance, and trust are possible. Here is the key, beautiful text.
First Corinthians 6:9-11: “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.” —And here it comes. —“And such were some of you.” —Were. That can be spoken over you. I’m talking to you, this couple now who may be listening to this together.
Even though you had premarital sex, that can be spoken over you. Such were. You were sexually immoral. — “Such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”
So how will you respond the next time a young person ask you, “Is sex before marriage a sin?”
