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Youth Group Regulars: The 14 Types of Kids You’ll Meet in Ministry

8. Shirtless Guy

Shirtless Guy never misses an opportunity to rip off his shirt and display his woefully underdeveloped physique. As soon as the temperature climbs above 50 degrees, Shirtless Guy is sure to strut about with his vampiric skin and flabby pectorals on full display. Occasionally, Shirtless Guy is also “Exchange Student Guy Who Wears a Speedo,” but thankfully this rarely happens.

9. Backrub Guy

You can always count on this guy to initiate borderline inappropriate contact with girls in the youth group. Backrub Guy (also known as “Hug Guy”) knows he can’t straight-up make out with girls at church. But he pushes things as far as he can without drawing the ire of parents or leaders. Backrub Guy is unaware that there should always be room for the Holy Spirit between a guy and a girl.

10. Inappropriate Prayer Request Girl

Inappropriate Prayer Request Girl is incredibly sincere but doesn’t understand that you shouldn’t voice some prayer requests at youth group. Thus, it’s not uncommon for her to ask for strength to not have sex with her boyfriend or to stop doing cocaine in the school bathroom. Homeschool Kid doesn’t understand what any of these terms mean, but all the other kids do.

11. Awkward Sullen Sound Guy 

No one actually knows Awkward Sullen Sound Guy’s (ASSG) real name. Despite having never missed a meeting, he has said a grand total of six words during four years. He typically speaks in a series of grunts and clicks. ASSG is best friends with ASLG (Awkward Sullen Lyrics Guy) and will grow up to be Awkward Sullen Sound Grownup Guy.

12. The Too Spiritual for Youth Group Girl

Too Spiritual for Youth Group Girl (TSFYG) has never actually attended youth group because her family is fundamentally opposed to the idea. She, along with her 19 brothers and sisters, attends church functions with her parents. Often TSFYG and Homeschool Girl are one and the same. She also listens only to The Gaither Vocal Band and wears her hair down to her ankles. She will graduate college by age 16.

13. Bad Influence Kid

Bad Influence Kid often, but not always, comes from a “bad home” (whatever that means). The “good” families get very nervous about Bad Influence Kid, fearful that he/she might teach their kids how to do freebase cocaine or set up a gambling ring. It’s not uncommon for Bad Influence Kid to get saved at the same time Answer Girl has a total crisis of faith and briefly embraces atheism.

14. The Not-Funny Funny Kid

Not-Funny Funny Kid has just discovered the existence of sarcasm and deploys it at every opportunity. He’s convinced he’s the funniest person since Jerry Seinfeld and never misses the opportunity to not be funny. Youth leaders have to talk to him at least once per meeting about how it’s not funny to make jokes about people’s weight.

This humorous article was a collective effort. Did we miss any youth group personality types?