Amy’s going to walk into your small group this fall. She’s a newcomer, but she may have visited last year, too. Do you remember her? Picture this:
It’s mid-September, the tables are set, the buffet table’s filled with delicious food, and each table hostess is in her place. Amy’s nervous, and more than a little anxious as she arrives. Who will she talk to? Will anyone want to talk to her? It’s her first time attending a women’s ministry event at your church, and she doesn’t know anybody.
It soon becomes clear that nobody knows her either. Women greet each other warmly, chat about their families, and let Amy wander alone to find an open seat. The hostess says hello and gives her a nametag, then returns to a focused discussion with her friend. As Amy goes through the buffet line, she greets the women nearby, and they reciprocate, but she is still unable to break into their conversations — and no one invites her to. The knot in her stomach tightens as a feeling of rejection begins to grow. She is grateful when the speaker starts talking and contemplates sneaking out the door. It seems obvious that no one will notice and certainly won’t care. But she stays until the end, walks to her car alone, closes the door, and then the tears begin to flow…
Amy’s the outsider, the newcomer, and the unknown one at your first get-together this fall. Do you remember her? I do, because the story you just read is about me. I was “Amy” that September 10 years ago, and yes, I cried in my car on the way home. Did the women at the event mean to make me cry? Of course not. They were nice and well-meaning, and I’m sure they would be more than a little perplexed to discover their perfectly planned event made me cry. After all, they had been friendly.
But being friendly wasn’t enough. Why?
Being friendly can initiate a superficial “I’m fine” kind of relationship, but what Amy (and you and I) desperately need is a more vulnerable and intimate “let me tell you what I’m struggling with” friendship. To befriend involves taking certain actions to invite a stranger to become a friend. It means being willing to “live in the trenches” together and accepting and loving women right where they’re at. I didn’t cry because I felt the women were unfriendly. I cried because I felt unaccepted, unloved, and unknown.
