Kayla writes telling the boys about her husband’s death has been the hardest thing she’s ever had to do. Yet even in this incredibly difficult task, the family found a silver lining. She writes about a coloring book, “When Someone I Love Dies,” that she used to help the conversation with her 5-, 4- and 2-year-old boys. The coloring book instructed them to draw an egg, a caterpillar, a cocoon and then a butterfly. Using the example of a butterfly, it was helping the boys think about life constantly changing. Later, Kayla found a caterpillar inside their house and her oldest son, Smith, recognized it as “a miracle from God.”
The significance was not lost on Kayla, who also embraced the metaphor and the nudge she felt from the Holy Spirit. She writes:
Right now I feel like a caterpillar trapped in a dark cocoon. It feels like a full on battle, a full fledged war. I didn’t choose this. I don’t want this. I just want to be a caterpillar again. I don’t want to be wrapped up in grief and pain, I don’t want to walk through this, I don’t want to be smothered by anxious thoughts about my future and the future of our children. I want this all to go away so I can be free again.
Today I am reminded that although I hate it, God has me right where I need to be. I can feel Him wrapping his loving arms around me. I am fighting it, kicking and screaming, but I can feel the Holy Spirit infusing me with His strength. I can feel God protecting me and holding me close. I can feel the safety and security in my own little cocoon. It may take years until I am ready to fly, but I know that the fight won’t last forever. One day, God will release me from the darkness and despair. He will show me a life of hope and a future full of purpose. I will no longer be a carefree caterpillar, I will emerge a new creation, a beautiful butterfly and I will soar to even greater heights. I can’t see any of it now in my dark clouded cocoon, but I know that I am safe. He’s got me right where I need to be, and He has great plans for my life and the life of our boys.
Understandably, looking to the future is incredibly difficult at this moment. Kayla has announced Stoecklein’s funeral information on her Instagram account. The support coming in from around the world is evident in the comments on this post and also the GoFundMe page that has been set up for the young family.
Please join us in praying for the Stoeckleins, for those who knew Stoecklein, and for those who feel, as he did, that they cannot go on. If Kayla’s words teach us anything, it’s that even when we feel as if we can’t possibly imagine the future, God’s still got this. And he will see us through.
