He explained that sexual experiences cause the release of oxytocin, a hormone that is a bonding agent. One of the results of this bonding is that people feel aggressive toward anyone or anything that could interfere with that bonding. This is why a man who is looking at porn feels hostile toward his wife. Said Arterburn, “He can’t understand, ‘Why can’t I stand the woman I married?’ It’s because you have oxytocin flowing through you that makes you aggressive towards her because she’s a threat to the very thing that you’re bonded to.”
Stephen Arterburn Finds Freedom
Stephen Arterburn felt overwhelming guilt over what he had done to his baby and the woman he had been involved with. “I felt so much shame as a believer,” he said. “I felt that it was my job to make God believe that I felt worse than anybody that had ever done this.” His shame was so extreme that he developed 80 ulcers and his doctor told him he would die if he did not change something.
God did start bringing Arterburn freedom from the shame of his past, but he was not completely free even after he shared his story in chapel. This was because he had not yet fully owned everything he had done. After hearing he had shared their story at Baylor, the woman he had wronged called Arterburn. He had kept her anonymous and she did not mind that he had shared the story, but she challenged him over how he had presented the abortion. The truth was he had not merely paid for it, but had actually pressured and manipulated her to get it. In fact, he had made it clear to her that he would not be there for her and their child if she went through with the pregnancy.
“I had been a coward,” said Arterburn. When he realized this, he did everything he could to truly reconcile with her, and she forgave him.
“Did you know that you can’t be fully right with God unless you’ve made it right with the people that you’ve hurt?” asked Arterburn, citing Matthew 5:23-24. If you feel disconnected from God and as though your prayers are not being answered, he said, “Maybe you just need to go and make it right with somebody else.”
