But in our desire to make those things happen, we almost always end up employing manipulation, intimidation and control. Instead we need to let go of these tactics and trust God with the results we want to see. Explore how you can let go of trying to make things happen and trust God’s grace to win the day.
We ask questions first because compassionate curiosity about the things that are tripping us up is the first step in opening our lives to God’s transforming power.
3. Worry ’Bout Yo’Self!
In both cases above, we are trying to get other people to do things. We are trying to engineer outcomes instead of paying attention to our own anxieties and ambitions. Some good general advice in building a culture of grace and truth, then, is to simply “Worry ’bout yo’self!”
Man, that video cracks me up every time. It’s great advice, too! Stop trying to get other people to do things! Whenever you’re tempted to manipulate or engineer, stop. Instead of moving outward toward the people you’re trying to control, move inward and pay attention to what’s happening in your heart.
When it’s time to have a conversation about it, talk mostly about yourself. Instead of pointing out someone else’s faults, talk about how their actions affected you. Own your emotions and responses and don’t assume you know why the other person did what they did.
4. Express Empathy
Especially if you’re stuck in a Call-Out Culture, one of the first disciplines you can start doing today is simply expressing empathy. It brings the grace of God to bear immediately on the other person.
Check out this powerful video of Brené Brown explaining empathy.
I’m embarrassed by how long it took me to consistently express empathy with my wife and kids. I avoided it for years because I didn’t understand how powerful it was. Empathy seemed like a weak thing to me. I wanted to solve problems, not talk about feelings! But I was amazed at how many times problems got resolved quickly and effectively when I led with empathy.
In fact, most of the time it wasn’t me solving the problems, it was the person I had just calibrated empathy toward! Empathy is empowering, because the assumption behind it is, “You are valued, you are loved, and I believe in you.”
Expressing empathy is one of the healing and humanizing things you can do for someone, and it’s an immediately actionable step for those who are stuck in Call-Out Culture.
5. Maintain Boundaries
For those who are stuck in Hangout Culture, one thing you can start doing today is establishing and maintaining boundaries.
Boundaries mean that I take responsibility for my stuff and you take responsibility for yours. It means I don’t try to get you to do things through control, manipulation or intimidation. I refuse to use fear, guilt or shame to get you to do what I want.
Here’s Henry Cloud explaining boundaries in five minutes:
(By the way, I think Boundaries saved my marriage when I read it years ago!)
Most of the time Hangout Culture is caused by a leader with poor boundaries who is taking responsibility for everyone else’s dysfunction. So if that’s you, what is the first boundary you need to set in order to begin moving toward a Call-In Culture?
6. Grace + Truth = Love
Another way of describing a culture that’s full of grace and truth is that it is simply a place where God’s love pervades all things. God’s love always tells the truth, and is always gracious. Both grace and truth are always turned up all the way to 11.
God doesn’t stop being truthful when he expresses his grace. Neither does he stop being gracious when he tells the truth. It’s 100 percent grace and 100 percent truth all the time.
This is the goal of the Call-In Culture, that it’s completely overflowing with grace and truth all the time. It’s about empathy AND boundaries, righteousness AND peace, grace AND truth.
We learn to build this kind of culture as we are immersed in the love of God. As we begin to soak up God’s love, it transforms our posture and presence, and we are able to let go of our fears and ambitions, trusting God for outcomes and building communities full of grace and truth.
