The world is rampant with relationships that start off hot and heavy only to crash and burn over time.
Good-looking guy attracts good-looking girl, they get butterflies and both are certain that their chemistry is a sign they’re in love. Unfortunately the “love” fizzles out along with their emotions and they find themselves on the other end of heartbreak.
As if the pain of a devastating breakup wasn’t enough, they end up repeating the cycle! The feelings of loneliness set in and they rush to the next “hot” person to fill that void in their lives. Only to once again find the same result: heartbreak. But you, my friend, are reading this post because you desire a different outcome! You are either demonstrating or desire to demonstrate the following traits of being a healthy single. So if you want more assurance of a lasting relationship, here are a few key items to look for:
#1 Know Your Identity: Everyone is looking for understanding of who they are. The ideal situation is to receive that affirmation of who you are during your childhood, but let’s be honest, how many have that luxury? Many families are affected by divorce, abandonment, trauma and the like. Most adults did not get core emotional needs met in childhood and therefore often unknowingly go looking for those needs to be met in future relationships. Even those who were fortunate enough to have a safe, healthy environment to grow up in will find that they still have questions. That’s because our true identity can only fully come from knowing our Creator; parents can only take us so far. Getting to know Christ is a journey, and rarely do we experience the full revelation of our identity in Him. Instead He will often lead us on a path to slowly unfold our purpose and calling.
How can you really benefit your future partner if you don’t know your talents, calling, vision and purpose? How can you be of any use if you don’t understand why you were put here on this planet? Healthy singles know their purpose is for more than just to be in a relationship. It is to be a vessel for their Creator. (For more on understanding your identity, Check out Chapter 3 of TLD.)
#2 Know Your Worth: We are all born with a desire to be worthy and if we do not know our value, then we are apt to settle for less than what we deserve. Do you ever see that really amazing, beautiful, intelligent girl who just doesn’t see her own awesomeness? And you just want to shake her because she is so fabulous but doesn’t have a clue? That’s how God can be with us sometimes. We walk around unaware of our own “amazingness” believing that we are missing something while in truth we are made in the image of the Most High and our value is infinite. He has numbered the very hairs on our heads and has made us Kings and Queens in His kingdom! Healthy, stellar singles know their worth and will not let another partner with them unless they have proven themselves worthy.
#3 Desire to Grow: Remember how we discussed that most people do not get their needs met during those childhood years? Well, that means most people accumulate baggage over the course of their lifetime. Pain and trauma are bound to happen to us all, but the healthy single takes time to learn from past mistakes and reflect on how they can improve themselves for future experiences. Those couples that go from one relationship to the next and find the same outcome do so because they do not look internally. Yes, their partner changes but they themselves do not change; therefore they attract the same type of unhealthy relationship.
No one is perfect, but isn’t it better to bring the best version of yourself to the table?
Also, when choosing a life partner it’s important to have someone who is teachable, that way when the inevitable conflict arises you have two people who are willing to change to work things out. (Looking to grow emotionally, spiritually and relationally? Enroll in the 21 Days To Jumpstart Your Love Life Program and learn how to get healthy and attract healthy relationships.)
#4 Heal From Past Wounds: This key goes hand in hand with a desire to grow. Healing from past wounds plays into your development and growth process as a person. If we do not heal from trauma and pain, we will carry that into our future relationships and blame the next partner for our ex’s issues. Or our family’s issues. Or our friends’ issues! There are so many ways to be hurt in this life that it’s rare for people not to affect others with their pain. Healthy singles do whatever is needed to heal unresolved pain. Some great avenues for healing are seeing a professional counselor, reading books/blog/resources on healing, forgiving the offender and seeking wisdom from spiritual mentors. As Christians we are promised that “by His stripes we are healed.” Stand on God’s Word to receive your full healing! (More on healing from your past in Chapter 2 of TLD.)
#5 Use Wisdom: Healthy Stellar Singles understand the value of taking their time in getting to know others. Emotions and feelings are great, but they are fleeting. Wisdom is to have others assess the new relationship and share any red flags they may see. We desire not to be led by our emotions, but they are still prone to affect us! Having safe people in our community who want the best for us can only benefit us in the long run. While dating, the healthy single looks for qualities in their dating partner that will prove to be lasting components of a strong foundation rather than what feels good in the moment.
Now that we’ve covered a few foundational keys for having a healthy relationship I hope you’re feeling more equipped! The healthy single is on a journey of wholeness; mind, body and soul. Implementing these keys will aid in not only cultivating these character traits in your life but also attract others who are doing the same!
Nicole Miller is the author of How to Overcome Heartbreak: Recovering from Misguided Love. She blogs regularly at www.betterthanwine.net about her spiritual journey and life lessons learned. She desires to see her generation walk in healing, wholeness and restoration. More information on her book can be found at www.overcomingheartbreak.net.
This article originally appeared here.