It’s not easy being a parent. You know this already. Perhaps you know this too well.
I just want to validate your sense of feeling overwhelmed so that you know you have not messed up – at least not any more than we other parents have! Trust me, you are notalone.
One of the deepest fears of being a parent is giving up control.
On the one hand, we know we have to do so. To allow our children to remain dependent on us is wildly and deeply unhealthy.
Yet to give them freedom terrifies us. Whether it is as small a decision as whether to let them try walking without holding their hand or giving them the keys to the car, relinquishing control leaves us feeling unsettled and afraid.
For that reason many people turn to expert advice. I should probably say ‘expert.’ Because the reality is that there are many con artists out there trying to make a quick buck. They prey on parents’ fears, especially the fear that we can do something permanently damaging to our kids, without even realizing it.
Is it possible to do major damage to a child? Of course it is. That is a reality that must be accounted for by all parents (and sadly is ignored by negligent parents).
But that is a reality you have already accepted. That’s why you read advice like this. You want to do as good a job as possible.
So here is a very important reality that you can take comfort in knowing: your child needs you. Not the newest toy, not the latest so-called “baby brain” stimulating program, and not a hundred different – and expensive! – activities to enroll them in.
Children are wired to get everything they need from their surrounding, natural environment – especially from people who love them.
To illustrate, let me use an example from rats. Yes, rats.
Rats that are studied after spending time in stimulating environments display increased thickness in their cortex and other areas of their brains. Rats that are neglected display reduced thickness.
The plasticity of the brain responds to external stimuli. Most parents know this already.
What they don’t know – and what many pseudoscientific programs capitalize on – is that the natural environment provides plenty of stimulation.
To return to the rats, the sewer life is just as stimulating as any man-made cage can be. The search for food, avoidance of capture and predators, and mating with other rats fulfills their need for stimulation. The natural environment is just as good as the manufactured one as far as the rats’ development is concerned.
The same is true of children. A baby has more than enough to learn from just by sitting and watching all that goes on around him: the dog licks his face; big brother runs by making a buzzing noise with his lips with arms outstretched with bright red cloth tied around his neck; grandma comes by and swings him around the room, all while mom and dad hustle about the kitchen making dinner.
This stimulation only increases as the child learns to crawl and walk and really explore the surrounding environment. Remember, most of this is new for a child. Their average day is more thrilling than any Columbus ever experienced as an adult!
More importantly, research reveals over and over again that children learn from other people, especially from those they love and trust and are familiar with, such as parents and siblings.
I recently wrote about how brain research proves that young children during a certain critical period of language acquisition only learn language from people. Not just betterbut only.
Meaning, a five-minute conversation with mommy is worth more than an hour in front of the television. It is simply the way we are wired as human beings.
Does this mean that you shouldn’t take you child to dance or Gymboree music class or buy Baby Einstein? No, it doesn’t. Those tools have their purposes. For example, they may provide social interaction they don’t get at home if they are an only child.
However, no parent should operate under the false belief that those tools are moreimportant than what they themselves can provide. You do not need to supplement what you can give your child from a walk to the park or a play date at home.
As the rats reveal, only neglect leads to regression in brain development. But there is no scientific research that supports the conclusion that more programs, more activities, and more toys is superior to what the natural, everyday environment provides your child already.
Best of all, the natural environment has you. You just have to take advantage of it.
That’s why you will never see me sell or push some latest innovation “guaranteed” to help your child reach “maximum development” all while making you the “best parent ever.”
Parenting is complex. There’s no way around it. But we are wired to provide the kinds of stimulating experiences babies learn from best. How great is that! Sure, it won’t instantly or permanently calm your deepest fears as a parent. But it sure does help.
The Bible reminds us that there is no fear in love. God is love. When you abide in His love, He takes away your fears. But first, you have to let go and surrender. And that isn’t always easy. My prayer is that you can learn to let go and trust in the One who loves you beyond all measure.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18)
