But when someone is playing video games, or is online several hours a day every day, or eight hours at a time, it has become an escape. Worse, the more we participate in an escape, the more tempted we are to double down and do it even more. The real world loses interest and the virtual world becomes our passion.
If your guy plays a little too much gaming now (or has to play on Christmas and Thanksgiving or is inflexible to be with you at an event that’s important to you because he doesn’t want to let other gamers down), it’ll frustrate you even more when kids come along or household tasks get ignored. If your girlfriend regularly loses herself in 10-hour Netflix marathons of Gilmore Girls or Grey’s Anatomy, ask yourself a simple question: “If this is how she escapes from pressure while single, why wouldn’t she do the same after we are married?”
And if you’re thinking, “Hey, if she watches 10 hours of Parks and Rec then I can do 10 hours of gaming!” you’re accepting a very low level of intimacy in marriage.
4. He or she is not kind.
A study listed kindness as one of the top two qualities contributing to marital happiness, and I believe it. Kindness never gets old. Bodies may deteriorate, mental functioning may slow down, beauty may fade, but a kind person usually becomes kinder. Your happiness will increase if you marry a kind person.
If you choose a kind person, you’re going to be blessed by their kindness for the rest of your life, maybe even every day. Kind people love being kind; it gives them joy to be kind. Does your girlfriend look for ways to encourage and bless others in their discouragement? Does your boyfriend go out of his way to make people feel better rather than worse in social situations? If there’s a need, is your significant other marriage material, that is, someone who is often the first to step up?
Why stress kindness when so many other issues could be mentioned? Kindness is one of those qualities most associated with happiness, and most people desire a happy marriage. If that’s you, choose someone who is kind and drop someone who is unkind.
5. He or she is addicted to porn and not dealing with it.
I wish this wasn’t true, but the devastation I’m seeing from it has to be stated: Women, if you marry a man who is an out of control porn addict, he won’t be able to be a satisfactory lover in marriage for very long (if ever). He will lose interest in you. He will face ED issues decades before men normally do. He will fight the urge to use you in bed instead of bless you. He will be comparing you with women who are acting according to script, not real life.
Infatuation can temporarily “cure” men of porn use for about nine to 12 months. But once the marriage settles into routine, many men go right back to the easy sexual fix. High speed Internet pornography will literally re-wire your man’s brain, affecting how he gets aroused and his ability to handle that arousal. Google it. Study it. Look it up. Don’t just take my word for it! The results will and should concern you.
Some of you will say, “Isn’t this true for women, too?” Yes, though it appears to affect their brains a bit differently. But as a man, you should be equally concerned.
Women, be wary of allowing a man to rush you into marriage in hopes that this will take his struggle away. Marry a healthy man who shows you he is marriage material and wants to have an intimate, mutually satisfying sexual relationship, not a man who wants to use you to overcome a habit that he hasn’t been able to cure on his own. Marriage alone never cures pornography use.
Since porn use is now virtually universal among younger men, you’ll be hard pressed to find a man who has no history with this or even one who doesn’t still occasionally struggle. Just be wary of a man who has never found any freedom in this area for any significant period of time. There’s a huge difference between marrying a man who has some accountability in place, people he talks to and long stretches of obedience, and yet still occasionally stumbles, and someone who has never been able to live without porn for any appreciable length of time.
I have worked with some young men with good hearts and a sincere desire to follow God who have struggled with porn to various degrees—and yet I was able to recommend them as marriage material with no hesitation. They may yet struggle, but they are fighting the battle instead of simply surrendering to the desire, and they are intent on living without it.
