I’ve known people who hold on to anger for years. It makes them miserable and everyone around them miserable. They held to a part of grief—a very natural part—but never reconciled their pain to God. In time, the goal should be to leave all hurt at the foot of the Cross, allowing God to soften even the most angry heart.
Confusion. You can be the most together person ever and you may still struggle to understand life when wrestling through grief.
During the immediate days of grief a person should be slow to make decisions that have long-term consequences. Allow people you trust—maybe even a counselor—to help you make sense of life for a while. In time, and with God’s help, life will become clearer again.
Frustration. It seems as though some people simply don’t understand. They don’t say the right thing. They don’t come through as they’re supposed to. You can become frustrated at close family members, extended relatives, friends, even the church.
The truth, as I’ve discovered, is sometimes people don’t know how to respond. Plus, in times of grief we might have unrealistic expectations of others. We can forget others have their own issues they are working through in life. Life keeps moving, although for you it might seem the earth has stopped turning.
Comparison. When you are suffering, it may seem no one has ever suffered as much as you are. And, they don’t understand the level of your pain. This is natural also in the early days of grief, but if left there we can almost respond to others unfairly, ignoring pain in their own life. It isn’t usually true we suffer alone—everyone has pain in their life, but grief is full of lots of unexpected emotions.
Actually, there can be a healthy side of comparison if we use it with the right intent. One thing I like to do as a pastor is connect those in grief with someone who has experienced a similar loss, but is further along in the process. Grief support groups can be helpful for this. In time it may be comforting to know there are those who do understand. I think this is part of what Galatians 6:2 means when it commands, “Share each other’s burdens.”
Doubt. The most faithful person can develop deep questions of personal faith. They may wonder where God is—why He allowed what He did. God is always trustworthy and always good, but our emotions can can cause us to believe otherwise in times of grief.
This one may require the assistance of others, but certainly involves saturating our hearts and minds with truth. I find the Psalms especially helpful in these moments. I love the truth of Psalm 56:8, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” God truly does care.
Disillusion. I’ve witnessed people in grief transfer some of their emotions into other aspects of their life. They may develop distrust of people they previously trusted. The point here is we transfer emotions—and because emotions can be unpredictable, we don’t always transfer them well.
Here is another one where it is helpful to have someone who can walk through these days of grief with us. A trusted friend is so important—someone who knows us well enough to encourage us—even challenge us when we prolonged too long in irrational thought. Grief may lead us to be more wise in our discernment, but it shouldn’t lead us to a place of paralyzation to enjoying life in the future. Ultimately, even the deepest pain should guide us to a place of hope and joy. James 1:2 says, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds.”
I think it’s helpful to know these may be reactions to grief. If you are experiencing some of these, you might consider whether they are an expression of grief.
Any you would add from your experience?
