It happened again. I met with a wife of a sexual struggler who shared a story that is becoming all too familiar.
After discovering her husband had been viewing pornography, she went to her pastor seeking counsel. But what she received instead was an uncomfortable lesson on testosterone levels and her responsibilities as a wife. The pastor promised to talk to her husband and reminded her that she needs to be forgiving as Christ has forgiven her. She left confused. Her broken heart once again shattered, first by her husband and then by her shepherd leader.
Many pastors are successfully counseling hurting wives with the compassion and skill they desperately need. However, an alarming number of ministers seem ill-prepared to deal with the growing number of couples battling pornography in the home. It is estimated that somewhere around 47% of marriages in church pews are struggling with pornography (Family Safe Media, 2003). Because that number is expected to grow as the channels to pornography become more intrusive (think Smartphone, tablet, video consoles), ministers have to prepare themselves for the day when a church member’s spouse shares she found pornography on her husband’s computer.
What will you say? What resources will you give her? Will you be prepared?
Here are a few tips to help get you started:
DO – Give Her the Benefit of the Doubt
I am shocked by how many pastors’ first response is to dismiss a wife’s concerns about her husband’s use of pornography: “Are you sure about this? It just doesn’t sound like the man I know.” Sexual strugglers are masters of deception. They may be leaders in their companies, their community, and in your church, but nobody knows them as well as their spouse.
Your first words should be along the lines of “that breaks God’s heart and it breaks my heart” or “I can understand why you are so hurt.” If it is your policy to always confirm allegations, let the spouse know that at some point during your conversation and share how you plan to go about it. But acknowledge her hurt and show compassion for her brokenness.
DON’T – Give Her Excuses
A male clergy member might feel compelled to help a wife understand why pornography is such a struggle for men. Please understand that, to a hurting wife, this comes across as defending his actions. At a later time, the wife will be in a place to better understand why her husband struggles. Consider your office as an emergency room and you are the triage doctor on call. Rather than explain why she got hurt, focus on the fact that she is hurting (empathy) and the steps and resources available that will lead to healing (ministry).
