Caring more about the person than the problem
The basic shift that took place in me was caring more for him as person than the problem he was creating. Together we were able to gather around the frustration in our relationship rather than pointing fingers at each other.
When you treat people as the problem it creates more antagonism and frustration. When you treat the problem as the problem while caring for the person, you end up in a much better place to join hands and figure out the problem together.
The result isn’t the point
You might be curious how this new approach worked out.
In this particular situation, he responded really well. He didn’t get defensive or combative. He didn’t lash out or get angry. He simply agreed and asked for my help.
But that’s not really the point. Because this way of approaching people resists the temptation to control and manipulate, it means people are free to respond how they want to respond.
I’ve had about 15 conversations like this in the last few months and some of them didn’t go well! Sometimes people get terribly upset.
But the point isn’t the outcome of the problem. The point is that I’m inhabiting the posture and presence of Jesus and inviting people to meet me in that space. If they refuse, that’s their choice. The next step is always to meet them in their chosen space with the posture and presence of Jesus.
How to have a difficult conversation: 3 practices
So how to do this? Here are three practices that will help you move toward others when tensions are running high. Three practices to help you have a difficult conversation in the way of Jesus, full of grace and truth.
1. Make the first truth you tell be the truth about yourself
It sounds like this: “This is my problem. And I need your help.”
Our previous roadmap would have started with the exact opposite truth: “I don’t have a problem. You have a problem that I will name for you.”
But when you frame the conversation as a problem you are having that you need help with, it puts you in a position of humility and vulnerability. This will help you examine yourself first and assume a posture of listening.
It will help you seek to understand before being understood. This will also ensure that the starting point is teamwork—working with each other on a problem rather than against each other.
