2. Invite others to shape the story you are writing
It sounds like this: “Here’s the story I’m telling myself. But I’m sure I don’t have the whole picture. Can you help me write it?”
Our previous roadmap would have allowed little room for negotiations: I am certain there is a problem. And I am certain the problem is you!
But by not presenting your viewpoint as definitive, you welcome the other person’s input. You are not denying your concerns, but you are holding them out tentatively. Here’s what I’ve observed. This is the story I’m telling myself. Can you speak to this?
This not only allows your perspective to be informed by the other person’s contributions, but will help you not confuse that person with the problem. When we treat people as the problem, we tend to name and blame.
But when we make the other person the priority, the problem becomes secondary and is typically resolved naturally.
3. Own your part of the problem
If there’s something you did wrong or could have done better, own it. It sounds like this: “I could have handled that better… Yes, I see how my words and actions hurt you. I’m sorry.”
Part of leading in love involves inviting people to share the pain they’ve experienced under your leadership, owning it and growing from it. Too often leaders allow their positional authority to excuse them from apologizing.
Because it’s not obligatory, it’s not considered necessary. But you can’t expect those you are leading to own their stuff and grow if you are unwilling to do so yourself.
And, it probably goes without saying, but any apology of admission must be done in a genuine way and with full sincerity.
Questions for reflection
- What are your defaults that work against having conversations like this?
- What other practices that have helped you move toward others in conflict?
This article originally appeared here.
