What specific behavior on the part of your team member would signal to you that she is taking more initiative or being less passive? Do you want her to voice her opinion in meetings without having to be asked? Or is your desire more about her setting clear deadlines with her projects and holding to them?
However you answer those two questions, make that the request.
2. Be explicit.
Stop using euphemisms or soft-sounding phrases such as, “It’d be great if you could … ” or “We need to … ” or “I’d like you to … .” The proper phrase to use in every request is “Will you … ?”
Using softer forms of request often unintentionally come across as suggestions, not requests.
3. Be specific.
What measurable action do you want them to accomplish by when? Don’t assume that either the action or the timetable is obvious. It may be perfectly obvious to you, but that doesn’t mean it’s obvious to anyone else.
Just for grins, let’s pull all three steps together using the third request above: “Joe, I need you to work on being less abrasive in team meetings. We can disagree without being harsh. Agreed?” How could you make this into a strong direct request?
First, get clear on what you really want Joe to do. How would you know he’s being less abrasive? What specific behavior change are you looking for? Also, what’s Joe’s timetable for making this happen?
Once you’ve answered those questions, the request becomes clear: “Joe, I need you to work on being less abrasive in team meetings. I want all of us to be free to disagree with each other, but to do so without being harsh. So, here’s my request: For the next three team meetings, will you practice keeping your voice low and calm, and keep all of your comments focused on the ideas being presented, and not on the people presenting them? Will you do that? After three meetings, I’ll check in with you to review how it’s going. Agreed?”
Not only is the request clearer, it’s also more developmental (Bonus!), as it naturally adds in a level of accountability and feedback into the request.
How effective is your team at making direct requests?
