In the example we’ve been using for toxicity, this would begin (if applicable) by helping the family of the toxic individual create a safety plan, walking through what healthy boundaries look like for this situation, identifying patterns of manipulative repentance, and looking for the best-fit resources that could be beneficial at the end of the intervention if the loved one expressing toxicity is cooperative. In all of this we are lovingly trying to alert our abusive friend that nothing that is happening to them is more important (by degree or causation) than what they are doing. More than generically advising them to “take the log out of their own eye before taking the speck out of anyone else’s,” we are seeking to deconstruct the blame-shifting narrative they are forcing on others. We are following Matthew 18:17, alerting them that their sin has reached a degree of significance—not that requires “Jesus on steroids”—but that calls on those that love them to relate to them in a manner that is different from how they relate to those whose sin has not reached a degree of severity that results in willful blindness.
Doubtless this post raises many questions; the “what if” scenarios are almost endless. I would encourage you to study the resources provided in the links for additional guidance. I will leave you with two questions for further reflection.
Questions for Reflection
- Can you think of an example when you focused exclusively or primarily on “they’re no more of a sinner than I am” logic (which is true) and it caused you to neglect addressing the aspects of brokenness or toxicity in a situation?
- Are you, as an individual, more prone to false positives (calling garden-variety situations extreme) or false negatives (minimizing highly broken or toxic situations with garden-variety remedies) when it comes to assessing situations of potential brokenness or toxicity? While both outcomes are problematic, this post is to help those who have a tendency towards false negatives in their counseling assessments.
If this post was beneficial for you, then consider reading other blogs from my “Favorite Posts on Abusive Relationships” or “Favorite Posts on Counseling Theory” post which address other facets of this subject.
This article originally appeared here.
