Do not use verbs of completion (i.e., I know…) but verbs ending in “-ing” (i.e., I am learning…). Avoiding verbs of completion allows the other person to talk about other aspects of our offense without it feeling like they are “piling on” to what we have already said “I know.”
3. Good Apology: Admit Specifically.
One goal of repentance (in the name of “loving our neighbor as yourself”) is to make forgiveness as easy as possible (which is never easy). We can do this by being detailed in our confession. Generic confession is often a sign of insincerity. “We all know what happened,” is no excuse for brevity. Hearing that you can be specific without falling into blame-shifting or self-pity is an important indicator that you are a “safe” person and that restoration is wise.
If making a list of the specific ways that you have offended someone in preparation for confession causes you to feel intense shame, then you need to make sure that you have repented to God first and embraced His forgiveness. Your spouse’s forgiveness cannot be an emotional replacement for God’s. When shame drives confession, your emotions of contrition will take center stage and overpower your request for forgiveness.
4. Good Apology: Acknowledge the Hurt.
Sin has consequences; both intentional and unintentional. Repentance expresses empathy and often takes responsibility for the dominoes that fall as a result of our sin. This is not groveling or penance (both of which are emotionally manipulative). It is an exercise in other-mindedness. Resistance to expressing empathy reveals that the same self-centeredness that made our sin seem rational in the moment.
Reflection Questions: How did my sin affect my spouse (personally, emotionally, spiritually, socially, professionally, etc.)? What messages did my sin send? What impact did the delay between my sin and my repentance have? What life pattern did my sin continue?
Remember, your goal in repentance is an effort to represent God more accurately to the person you have offended. God is compassionate and understanding to our hurts (Psalm 56:8). If our confession is rooted in a desire to make God known in each moment, then our confession will include evidence that we have reflected on the impact of our sin.
