3. Talk about it but talk about it wisely.
Some folks will feel tempted to close up and try to lessen the pain by never mentioning their past difficulties from a toxic church. Perhaps they feel that discussing their toxic church with anyone in any fashion amounts to gossip or slander.
Others, however, may give in to the allure of “getting it off one’s chest” by bringing it up in nearly every conversation. These people are airing out their grievances, but often in a way that’s fueled by malice, vengeance, or bitterness.
Neither choice is healthy. Instead, process the pain with mature believers who will listen to you and provide wise counsel with sparing words.
4. Recognize that grief is a process.
Even if you find a loving, gospel-centered church, it’s okay to take your time getting involved again after dealing with a toxic church. Dress your wounds, allow your heart to rebound. It might even be wise to ease in as far as heavy involvement goes. Sometimes, a period of healing and adjustment is the right prescription for preparing to serve again.
5. Be patient with those who decided not to leave.
Some of your friends will remain at your former church. They may have difficulty with your departure. Worse, they may feel automatically judged no matter how graciously you parted. Perhaps they now ignore you or even accuse you of disobeying your leaders.
Be patient with them. Don’t retaliate. You don’t need to convince everyone to see it your way. In fact, many will simply not be convinced regardless of what you say and, sadly, regardless of whatever further disqualifications are revealed about their pastors.
Jesus helps us with this. He distinguished between the impossible-to-convince and those open to truth (Matt. 7:6; Mark 8:11–13). Some of your former church members might simply need time to embrace your departure. Others will forfeit their friendship with you. However they respond, don’t let it torment you; patiently pray for them.
6. Grow in your grief and move forward.
Be prepared to bear the load of emotions that come with the separation. Over time, you’ll discover that anger can rise unexpectedly and take time to subside. You might feel abandonment when friends fail to contact you. You might feel like you’ve lost a family. Sincere believers at your new church will be sympathetic, but they likely won’t understand your situation fully.
This is all part of the grief process. But, as with the loss of dear loved ones in the Lord, we grieve as those who have hope. God is still orchestrating even the evil intentions of man to produce good results toward us. He uses them to conform us to Christ—and there’s no greater good. When the time is appropriate, rise from the ashes of your mourning and mount the saddle of eager service once again.
This article originally appeared here.
