“Until death do us part.” You probably made this pledge when you were married. You have also performed weddings where the couple made the same commitment. It is a great idea because it is God’s idea. Unfortunately, the tragic reality is this: many ministry marriages do not last a lifetime. Marriages that last, however, do so because of characteristics such as endurance and resignation rather than the love and fulfillment God wants His children to enjoy.
What’s the deal? If Christ cannot make a difference in those who have devoted their lives to Him and have proclaimed His message, why should anyone believe Christ’s other claims — salvation from sin and eternal damnation? Granting salvation seems much harder than helping someone have a great marriage.
In more than 30 years of ministry, including more than 15 years of teaching and training pastors, many of the most miserable and unhappy marriages I have encountered involved Christian leaders. Loving the Lord, teaching the Word, and being in ministry does not guarantee you will have a good marriage. Good marriages and godly marriages do not just happen, especially if you are in the ministry.
Satan does not want any marriage between two Christians to thrive. But the evil one brings out his biggest and best weapons for his attacks on the marriages of Christian leaders. Having a ministry marriage, however, does mean that Satan will consistently attempt to drain, discourage, deflate, depress, defeat, and destroy you.
I am convinced that one of the critical factors in a successful ministry is a healthy marriage, not just a surviving marriage. Preaching well, good administration, and wise management are important, but the ultimate apologetic for the truth claims of our Lord is when they make a difference in the most important human relationship we will ever have.
Perhaps you have acquired, even mastered, some of the core relational skills that contribute to a good marriage. But the following choices can take your marriage to a new level.
CHOOSE TO CULTIVATE AN INTIMATE, PASSIONATE, GROWING LOVE RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS
A great ministry marriage does not start by focusing on your marriage. It starts by focusing on yourself, your love relationship with the Lord, and the degree to which you daily allow the Holy Spirit to help you “become conformed to the image of His Son.” (Romans 8:29 NASB)
In their book, Marriage Made in Eden, Alice Matthews and Gay Hubbard state, “God’s case for marriage is not about a prescription for thrills and feel-goods. It is not a game plan designed to produce soul mates whose overarching achievement is personal, emotional fulfillment. God’s case for marriage is based on His goal of the transformation of His people into faithful image bearers. But Christians discover (often to their surprise) that once they buy into God’s program, personal fulfillment at an undreamed-of-level comes as an unlooked-for-by-product of old-fashioned obedience and willingness to fit into God’s plan.”
APPLY THE PSALM 139:23-24 PRINCIPLE
Do not start by asking, How can I have a better marriage? The better question is, How can I become a better spouse?
After thousands of hours providing marriage counseling, I discovered that every person is an expert on how his partner could be more kind, thoughtful, and loving. If she would only be more patient and listen better, it would solve their marital problems. It seems our fallen human nature is to focus on how our spouse could improve and how he could be more positive.
When I began to pray Psalm 139:23-24, I realized that having a great marriage started with me owning my own stuff. Seeing my own sinfulness helped me understand how much I was like everyone else — broken, longing for love, prone to blame, yearning to be understood, self-deceived, and desperate for mercy and grace greater than all my sin. Do you spend as much time thinking and praying about how you could better love your spouse as you do thinking about how he could better love you? How much time do you spend asking God to help you love your spouse “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”? (Ephesians 5:25)
CHOOSE TO UNDERSTAND
In the early years of my marriage — and with most of the couples I have worked with — one of the first responses to a conflict is to try to help our spouse understand our point of view (which we know is the correct point of view). We believe that if they understand things as clearly as we do, they will agree with us. How many times has this worked for you?
The next time you have a disagreement with your spouse, ask God to help you set aside your desire to enlighten your beloved with the reasons for your perspective. Invest that time listening, asking questions, seeking clarification, and trying to understand his perspective. If you do this consistently for a month, you will be amazed at the results.
CHOOSE TO PRAY
Pastors are aware of how important prayer is, but most ministry couples spend little time in prayer together.
Carrie and I spent little time in prayer together unless someone was sick, there was a crisis, or a problem with our children. Prayer, for me, was often a preamble or a conclusion. Through a series of circumstances, God began to convict us about our lack of prayer. We began to ask, “Lord, what would it look like for us to become a man and a woman of prayer? What would it look like for prayer to be a distinguishing characteristic of our marriage?” If there is a secret to a strong marriage in terms of love for God, love for each other, and passion, it is daily choosing prayer.
Prayer does not need to be a big production. It is more important to pray often than to pray for hours at a time. We began to pray on the phone, before we said good-bye, or we would send a prayer by e-mail. We started our day with prayer. Whenever we had a crisis, we would not simply say, “I’ll pray for you.” We would pray. We would pray in the middle of a conversation. Often when I would land at an airport, Carrie would have left me a greeting and a 30-second prayer. Prayer became a part of our daily living.
CHOOSE A GROWING MARRIAGE, NOT JUST A LASTING MARRIAGE
If you choose a growing marriage, you will have a healthy marriage that will last. If you strive for a lasting marriage, you may end up with neither. Choosing a growing marriage acknowledges that there will be ups and downs, springs, summers, falls, and winters. The fires of passion will not always burn with the same intensity. But whatever the season or situation God is using, the iron of our relationship will sharpen the iron of our lives. God will use our spouse as the key tool to help us become conformed to the image of His Son. This makes all the difference in the world.
In a growing marriage, we begin to experience new levels of intimacy we never dreamed possible. What is intimacy? “Intimacy is the place where we experience and enjoy all that God created us to be and become. It is the place where we feel safe to express our deepest longings for significance and security. It is the place where we can gradually let down our barriers and masks. It is a place where we can celebrate our strengths and expose the weaknesses and fears and doubts that plague us. It is a safe haven of encouragement where we want to listen and can bask in the warmth of someone who wants to listen to us. It is a place where the presence of Christ becomes very real to us through the presence of another person.”
CONCLUSION
In this article, hopefully one or two things have stood out to you. Perhaps the Holy Spirit prompted you to take note of them and strongly impressed them on your heart. I cannot count the times I have read an article and said, “I’m going to work on that,” only to end up doing nothing about it — the tyranny of good intentions. Do you sense God’s Spirit drawing you to consider a choice? Then go for it.
