13. Adopt Jesus’ mental framework of ochloi andmathetai.
It’s clear that Jesus saw people in two distinct groups: There were the crowds (ochloi in Greek) that followed him everywhere, and then there were the disciples (mathetai in Greek). He spent time with both, but unevenly. To me, this is how I envision spending time with people on a weekly basis. On Sundays I’m with the hoi ochloi—I preach, pray and minister to every single person that I can. But when the service is over, I spend the rest of the week with hoi mathetai—throwing myself into my staff and key leaders.
Knowing that Jesus spent hours with the crowds but weeks with his disciples gives me a theological basis for how I structure my time. Having a theological framework ungird my relational interactions removes any hint of guilt from not “spending enough time with” congregants. It helps me say “no” or “sorry I can’t meet” much easier. Reserve Sundays for hoi ochloi and throw yourself into teaching, loving, healing and serving them. Then spend the rest of your time pouring into hoi mathetai (the roughly 10 percent of the staff/lay leaders in your church).
14. Finally, remember that “No-one likes you as much as you think they do.”
The Senior Pastor of the church where I grew up used to tell people this all the time. Part of the reason we feel such a sting when we hear people complain about us is that we think, at our core, that people really like us. Like really like us. The reality is they don’t like you as much as you think they do.
Knowing this lowers expectations. Once we realize this, it is freeing. It takes the wind out of the sail of our people pleasing tendencies. A sober self-perception frees us to focus on being vs. performing. It frees us even to be unfriendly at times toward people who, quite frankly, shouldn’t be coddled or placated.
Jesus certainly never focused on being liked for the sake of being liked. Neither should we. But we should always concentrate on being gracious. As Avia, a missionary friend of mine in India, always tells me, “Brian, be bold, and kind.”
