Understanding the bonding formation’s spiraling nature makes it clear why victims simply do not leave the relationship. Grasping this rationale also offers a much-needed explanation to those who continue to struggle with unrelenting attachment even after surviving such a relationship. Perhaps one of the most troubling and lasting effects of trauma bonding is the victim’s connection of abuse with love. To a certain degree, the victim cannot fully feel love without some level of abuse. Even after the bond is broken with an abuser, victims often continue to seek out toxic and abusive relationships. Healthy relationships seem to pale in comparison to the powerful emotions connected with a trauma bond.
Signs of Trauma Bonds
What are the indicators that someone may be trapped in a trauma bond? Here are the top five warning signs:
- The thought of leaving may cause panic so intense that nothing will keep the victim from reconnecting with the abuser. Unfortunately, victims often mistake these strong feelings for love.
- When friends and family hear or see what is happening, they often react by encouraging the victim to leave the relationship. Should victims continue to have contact with family members, they cover up the abuse or defend the abuser’s actions.
- Too often, abusers isolate their victims from anyone who questions their behavior. Keeping their victims from those who would contradict abusive messages is necessary to keep them under control.
- Victims doubt their memory, perception, and judgment about the abuse and have difficulty making simple decisions.
- Victims commonly blame themselves for the state of the relationship and may deny help even when it is offered.
It is not always possible to witness the abuse leading to traumatic bonding or identify the signs that indicate such a dangerous bond exists. However, all indicators involve elements of the exploitation of trust and power. The signals, then, include variations of the inability to detach from exploitive relationships, misplaced loyalty, and destructive denial.
Breaking the Bonds
While abuse can have distinct patterns and processes, every person’s experience is unique. There is no one-size-fits-all remedy. Because trauma bonds are complicated to overcome, those helping to bring healing must use wisdom and patience. The following are some general recommendations on how to foster this process.
- Invite the Lord into the healing process. A great place to start is praying for the victim. It is very likely to find the victim confused, so gently challenge any damaging beliefs with a biblical perspective. Strive to model God’s unconditional love and offer assurance of His comfort and mercy.
- Education. The better a person understands trauma bonds and the tactics used by abusers to manipulate and control, the less power these bonds will have on victims.
- Focus on reality. One way to accomplish this is to keep a journal of all interactions, being careful to write down just the facts. Another excellent exercise is to have victims write their relationship stories as if they happened to someone else—including the good times and the bad.
“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
– Lamentations 3:21-23, ESV
Being subjected to traumatic bonding from an intimate partner creates profound, lifelong wounds. Even though overcoming this complex issue is daunting, there is hope. Christian counselors have a unique ability to speak words of healing into the lives of these individuals, breaking the damaging bonds and setting them free on the road to recovery.
This article originally appeared in Christian Counseling Today, Vol. 24 No. 4. Christian Counseling Today is the flagship publication of the American Association of Christian Counselors. To learn more about the AACC, click here.
Endnotes
1 Carnes, P.J. (1997). The betrayal bond: Breaking free of exploitive relationships. Deerfield Beach: Health Communications, Inc.
2 DeScilo, T. “Understanding and treating traumatic bonds.” (n.d.) Retrieved October 31, 2020 from http://www.healing-arts.org/healing_trauma_therapy/traumabonding-traumaticbonds.htm.
3 Ford, J.D., Grasso, D., Greene, C., Levine, J., Spinazzola, J., and van der Kolk, B. (2013). “Clinical significance of a proposed developmental trauma disorder diagnosis: Results of an international survey of clinicians.” Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 74, 841-849.
4 Cantor, C., and Price, J. (2007). Traumatic entrapment, appeasement and complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Evolutionary perspectives on hostage reactions, domestic abuse and the Stockholm Syndrome. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, 41, 377-384.
