How Shannon Harris Kissed Biblical Womanhood Goodbye

Unfortunately, at least for me, agreeing to the courtship was like already agreeing to marriage. I feel like we completely bypassed the exploration stage. Our courtship was 10 weeks long and there was a rush through to completion for reasons I’m not sure I fully understand. We didn’t have much time together alone, and as far as I can tell, C.J. was actually calling a lot of the shots. So I think I was very naïve. I didn’t really understand Josh’s relationship to his audience and his work, or what C.J. was after.

Can you talk about the time you were questioned by C.J. and Carolyn Mahaney? What did that interaction teach you about the expectations you’d face as Josh’s spouse?

C.J. and Carolyn invited me over to their house sometime during the 10-week courtship. We had dinner and then we went into the living room, and they very decidedly and purposely—and by “they” I mean C.J., because the wife sits beside the husband and says nothing—started asking me pointed questions about my life. The way I recall it, he singled out the fact that my parents were divorced, that I went to public schools. He specifically zeroed in on boyfriends. How many boyfriends had I had? When did I lose my virginity? How many boyfriends did I actually have sex with? It was very uncomfortable, terrifying, and it completely caught me off guard. The funny thing about this is, it’s all about their perception. My college boyfriend was the first time where physical sex was part of the relationship. And that’s very typical. There’s nothing really shameful about that.

So I couldn’t make sense of these things. I didn’t know why it was happening. So I froze. And then I got married like that. That’s part of why it took me so long to see what was happening.

Can you share about a time you felt pressured to stifle your real self and perform as the ‘good Christian woman’?

One of the very first times that happened was the first conference I went to as Josh’s fiancée. We got engaged and we decided I would quit my job and travel with him to the conferences he was attending after his book had come out. At the end of the first conference, there was a really long line of people that wanted to talk to him. He caught my eye, invited me to stand next to him, and I ended up standing next to him for two hours, pretty much doing nothing except smile and nod. That was one moment before I married that I had to talk myself through it. I thought, this can’t be what it’s going to be like all the time. But it really did point to what a lot of my life was going to be about. I wasn’t supposed to be real. I was supposed to be this idealized projection.

How did the departure of C.J. and Carolyn Mahaney, who left Covenant Life Church after C.J. was accused of spiritually abusive leadership, impact the way you viewed Christianity?

I came into that time already struggling under the impact of this doctrine that had really clamped down on my freedom and who I was. But this was a really big moment of betrayal. What rocked my faith was, I felt C.J. had abandoned the church when he was most needed. The way he treated Josh and turned on him in that moment was really difficult for me. We were cut off relationally and basically shamed. This is supposed to be church, and they teach you over and over again about forgiveness and grace. None of that was present in this moment.

But when they left, it also freed me. I could listen to myself again, and in retrospect, I began thinking for myself around that time.

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How are you thinking about your spirituality these days?

I feel as though I am tapped out on religion. The closest label I could give myself would probably be I’m just back to being a secular, regular person. But I understand why religion is important to people, and I think there is a place for religion. For many people religion can provide hope and community. It shouldn’t have been the way it was for me, and I am big enough to be able to see that. But that also doesn’t mean I can go back to it.

Your book documents how you gave up your dream of pursuing a career in music. Have you reclaimed that dream?

I did feel from the time I was 3 years old that I had a purpose. Music is so much of who I am, music and creativity. When I got to Vancouver, I reconnected with music and it was one of the catalysts for me to reconnect with myself. I realized this was really important to me. How did I lose that? And if I lost music, what else have I lost? So it really set me on this path of exploring and finding all these pieces of me I realized I had given up.

In some ways, writing this book was also a creative endeavor. As painful as it was, it was enjoyable for me to develop a title and the structure of the book. I’ve thrived reconnecting with my creativity, and I’m super excited to see where it goes.

What do you hope your readers take away with them?

If there are women out there who feel trapped in their marriages and these systems, I want them to feel the freedom to go, to be healthy and to be thriving human beings, because everybody deserves that. And I really hope that churches and male pastors will read my book, because I think they need to understand. I hear people dismissing people who are deconstructing. The female experience and the experience of people who’ve been hurt by churches needs to be heard. I think the expectations of complementarian churches especially inflicts a slow burning trauma that comes with unique and devastating consequences to women. The men who make theology need to study the impact of their theology.

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This article originally appeared on ReligionNews.com.